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Views From The Captain’s Chair! Episode Hiatus!

Captains ChairBlog

 

Ahoy, Mateys!

Yep, you read that title correctly. The blog will be on hiatus for a few weeks. Deadlines, am I right?

That and I’ll be taking the very first vacation my family has ever taken together. I shit you not. Sure, we’ve gone on “vacation”, but it has always been with extended family, to see extended family, to see friends, or for some specific reason or other.

This will be the first vacation where I’m with the wife and kids only. No one else. First time.

And we get to go see Vermont and Maine, which will be nice! Never been north of Pittsburgh, personally. On the East coast, at least. I grew up in Oregon, so I’ve been from BC to San Diego on the West coast. This should be fun!

But, taking this vacation means I’ll be behind with writing, so no time to bloggy blog until I get caught up. Looking like August or September. I’ll keep y’all posted!

Before I go let me thank each and every one of you for reading this blog, reading my books, and for just being awesome!

Rock on, rocking rockers! See ya in a few weeks!

 

Cheers!

Friday Night Drabble Party!

The Party has returned!

I’m sure everyone noticed there was no Drabble Party last week. 4th of July and all. Shit went boom. Plus there was cornhole. (Note to self: create new erotica genre that Amazon will ban called “Cornhole Boom”.)

But the drabbletasticness of Friday Night Drabble Party is back and better than ever! EVER!

So, sit back with your favorite summer beverage or winter beverage for you folks that live down under. Hell. I’m talking about you people that live in Hell. What? You thought I was talking about New Zealand? Y’all are drinking tea in New Zealand right now. I know that. Because stereotypes make the world go round, yo!

And a billion hamsters at the center of the Earth. They make the world go round too. I wonder what they drink? And since they are in the center, do they have summer or winter? Maybe they live in Hell…

AntiBio is on sale for $.99! Buy it!

What was I talking about?

Right. Drabble.

Enjoy!

***

Little Things
By
Jake Bible

It’s the little things that make up this insane world.

Not the big things like food, air and water. No, we shit on those. They obviously don’t matter.

No, sir, life is made up of little things.

A wise man once said, “Don’t sweat the little things because it’s all little things.”

I think it was Snoopy that said that.

So, as I stand here on this ledge, looking down at the ants below -the little things-  and I can’t but wonder how not to sweat them. Wise words are good and all, but some instructions would be nice too.

***

Cheers!

BUY ANTIBIO! $.99!

Disclaimer: Don’t sweat it, it’s all good.

Views From The Captain’s Chair! Episode Twenty-Seven: Everyone STFU!

Captains ChairBlog

 

Ahoy, Mateys!

Okay, time for everyone to shut the fuck up. Seriously. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

What about?

Amazon V. Hachette.

Or, as I like to call it, “Two giants at war that don’t even care if you exist.”

They don’t. Unless you are a consumer. Then they care.

But as a consumer, you aren’t the one shouting back and forth over a line drawn by corporate behemoths. No, you’re a person going about your life each day, trying to make ends meet, worrying about bills, about groceries, about dust bunnies, about Timmy’s loose tooth, the fence that needs repairing, the car that needs an oil change, the stain on the carpet from that rage induced, homicidal oopsy doodle that happened last night.

As a consumer, you are living your life and not a damn thing has changed for you even though the author community has decided THERE WILL BE BLOOD because Amazon and the Hachette Group are pissing in the wind and seeing who can stand the back spray long enough.

So, dear consumer, engine of this greedocracy, you just keep on keepin’ on. This post isn’t for you.

Nope, it’s for all the writers that think their voices ARE IMPORTANT! Their voices MUST BE HEARD! Their voices MUST DROWN OUT ALL DISSENT! Their voices… Guess what? Your voices don’t mean jack shit. You are nothing in this war. Nothing. Stop kidding yourself that your blog posts, your Facebook posts, your Twitter posts, or any posts, have even one itsy bitsy influence on the outcome of this fight. That’s your self-inflated ego talking there.

These are multi-national, MASSIVE corporations that are at war over…uh…oh, right, they haven’t actually said officially.

That’s right: people are arguing over something that isn’t even defined. The Powers That Be don’t think you are important enough to be informed on what the fight is about. That’s how insignificant you are. You aren’t even worth a press release with bullet points.

Yet, from Patterson to Konrath, King to Howey, Eisler, Wendig, Stackpole, some other guy, that guy, this one here, a woman there, oh, there’s another woman, and that guy right there with his formatted ebook ready to make a million dollars- everyone has an opinion. An uninformed opinion. In a fight they haven’t been invited to.

You think I’m being flippant? I’m not. I’ve watched this happen in other industries.

In my former life I was a broker rep for one of the largest grocery sales and marketing agencies in the country. A billion dollar company. That’s billion with a “B”. Big company. And we worked for companies that were even bigger. Unilever/Best Foods, Kraft, Mars, Johnson & Johnson, Pepsico- you know, BIG companies.

Guess what?

They pulled this crap all the time.

Big companies get in fights with other big companies. Whether it’s a distribution argument or a tiff with a retailer, giant corporations draw lines in the sand every single day and go to war.

But you don’t see the guy on the mayonnaise line writing a blog post about the EVIL OF BIG CONDIMENTS! You don’t see the housewife in yoga pants screaming at the hippie girl that “BANANAS HAVE GONE UP TEN CENTS A POUND AND IT’S YOUR FAULT FOR NOT BELIEVING!” You don’t see the cashier at your local supermarket writing a scathing essay on how the moral compass of America is at stake because Doritos are no longer on sale for two bags for $7, but are now two bags for $8.

Why? Because it doesn’t matter what the little folk like us say. It doesn’t. These Leviathans have an agenda and they are fighting over that and that alone. And as consumers, we know that. We know that we can scream until we are blue in the face, but it ain’t gonna lower the price of them bananas. That’s life, y’all.

Yet, authors insist that by fighting with each other- Stop. Hold on. Let me make this clear.

AUTHORS ARE FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER. NOT A SINGLE AUTHOR IS FIGHTING AGAINST THE MEGAMONEYCONGLOMAHEMOTHS THAT ARE AT THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM.

If there even is a problem. I’m pretty sure there’s an entire political party that would argue that this is how it is supposed to work. This is free market warfare, baby. LET IT ALL BURN!

But no, instead of  banding together and looking these dragons in the eyes, writers have taken sides. Or pretend not to take sides when they really have taken a side. It doesn’t matter, really. No matter what “side” you are on you’re just fleas on two dogs trying to rip each other’s throats out. The same two dogs that will end up humping in the alley when it’s all done because that’s what dogs do. You’re just a flea, you wouldn’t understand. Humping or fighting, it’s all an END OF THE WORLD EARTHQUAKE to you.

I refuse to be a flea. Fuck this stupidity. Just fuck it.

Oh, and you know what else? The bickering here amongst the plebs is nothin’ but free press for the giants. Why put out statements when they have a hundred voices doing it for them?

Yep, free press. You think you are changing anything by writing how much you love licking Amazon asshole? Or how much you prefer walking with your nose up in the air all day because you have a “REAL” publishing deal? You aren’t changing shit, except the news feed on Facebook. You are doing the work for  your corporate overlords. You are their bitch.

Let me say that again: You. Are. Their. Bitch.

So, shut the fuck up. Just shut it. Zip it. Close it. Keep that trap closed, please and thank you.

With that said, I’m done with this crap. I’m done reading anymore blog posts about how I’m supposed to think and feel about something that really has nothing to do with me. I have bills to pay and grass to mow, a spouse to love and frickin’ children to raise. No, what I’m going to do right now is write the second novel in my medieval space fiction (space opera) series.

Because that’s what I do. I write books.

Maybe you, Author With Opinions About Shit All, should get back to that too. Since, you know, what consumers/readers do care about is getting a great story that they can escape into so they forget about the bills, the healthcare, that political party that only loves money, the cost of bananas, those damn yoga pants, and mayonnaise. Channel your energy into your job and stop doing the work of corporate PR firms, okay?

Word.

Oh, and Mega is on sale for $,99 from Severed Press until like midnight tonight or something. Go buy that shit.

 

Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.

He is the author of the bestselling Z-Burbia series for Severed Press as well as the Apex Trilogy (DEAD MECH, The Americans, Metal and Ash), Mega, AntiBio, and the YA zombie novel Little Dead Man, as well as the forthcoming (October) Teen horror novel Intentional Haunting (both by Permuted Press).

Friday Night Drabble Party!

Well, hello there! Back for some more Drabble Party action? Oh, hells to the yes you are!

Not gonna pimp any books or audiobooks tonight. But I will point you to a guest blog post that Starla Huchton wrote for Views From The Captain’s Chair! If you are a writer and want to know a little about some serious internet marketing campaign fu, then have a read. It’s good stuff.

Now, on to the drabble!

Enjoy!

***

All About The Rules
By
Jake Bible

 

“It doesn’t specifically say that I’m disqualified if I kill the other contestants,” Jaime smiled. “Read the rules. Sure, I can be arrested, but you can’t disqualify me.”

“It clearly states that if you break any local, state, or federal laws then you are out,” Morgan said, tapping the clipboard that was always clutched in his hands. “Just because you are the last one left alive, does not mean you automatically win.”

“But I haven’t broken any laws until I’m convicted,” Jaime insisted. “Innocent until proven guilty.”

“He’s right,” Stanford sighed. “Give him the damn trophy. Then call the cops.”

***

Cheers!

Disclaimer: Sometimes it’s more about the spirit of the thing.

Views From The Captain’s Chair! Episode Twenty-Four: Switching It Up!

Captains ChairBlogAhoy, Mateys!

I know I said I’d be too busy writing novels this summer to post from the Captain’s Chair, but I had a couple of cancellations (i.e. late blog post submissions from lazy ass writers. LAZY FREAKIN’ WRITERS!) and decided to ruminate on a subject that’s been in my head for a bit now.

You see, I’m writing some space opera the next couple of months. I am sure some of you are all like, “Space opera? Jake is going to have lasers and spaceships and aliens and lots of pew-pew action and space blood and space guts!”. Which is a nice thought, but that’s not where this novel is going. It may get there in the next book in the series, but this one isn’t my usual action and blood novel.

I like to call it medieval space fiction. You know, like medieval historical fiction, but in space? Or, better yet, Game of Thrones in space! But maybe not so brutal. And no magic, because space. Yeah, that.

Will there be action? You betcha! Romance? Oh, for sure! Blood? Of course! But it’s not horror and it’s not a thriller. There will be more story and character. And no lasers. Nope. No lasers. This is low tech space, y’all.

With that said, I wonder what my fan base is going to think. Those looking for my brand of action/gore may be doing a little head scratching. I could lose a couple readers. I could also gain some new readers that dig space opera for the intrigue and plot and all that good stuff, but don’t like the heavy gore or action of my other novels.

It’s going to be an interesting trade-off. Time will tell.

I have to say that I really like switching it up. Letting the story unfold and characters breathe without having to horribly mutilate one in each chapter is nice. Again, there will be blood, just not the level of blood in my horror and action novels.

The other part I’m digging is playing with tropes. Space opera, as many have defined it, is essentially fantasy in space. I’ve never really written fantasy. I’ll also be honest and say I don’t read fantasy. At least, not high fantasy. I watch it, but don’t read it. And this may come as a shocker- I don’t really read space opera. Which may be a good thing, in a way, because I don’t have any preconceptions of what I’m supposed to be doing. I get to wing it as usual! Huzzah!

Where does this all leave me? And how does it relate to you as either reader or writer? Where does it leave the folks that read this blog?

Well, it leaves me still writing a novel a month, but with a fresh perspective. I timed this perfectly so I’m kind of taking a gore/horror/action vacation, but still writing books.

As readers, it leaves you with something new to look forward to; a little different style and genre to mix up that Jake Bible goodness.

And as writers, it shows y’all that you don’t have to stay in one genre, one style, one way of writing. You get to switch it up when you want to. Don’t worry about what comes after, just write a great story and let the readers/fans sort it out.

Speaking of sorting it out, I have a bit of medieval space fiction to get back to and make all shiny and new. Or gritty and old. It depends on where this story takes me. We’ll see.

Cheers!

 

Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.

He is the author of the bestselling Z-Burbia series for Severed Press as well as the Apex Trilogy (DEAD MECH, The Americans, Metal and Ash), Bethany and the Zombie Jesus, Stark- An Illustrated Novella, and the forthcoming YA zombie novel Little Dead Man, and Teen horror novel Intentional Haunting (both by Permuted Press).

 

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