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Views From The Captain’s Chair! Episode Hiatus!

Captains ChairBlog

 

Ahoy, Mateys!

Yep, you read that title correctly. The blog will be on hiatus for a few weeks. Deadlines, am I right?

That and I’ll be taking the very first vacation my family has ever taken together. I shit you not. Sure, we’ve gone on “vacation”, but it has always been with extended family, to see extended family, to see friends, or for some specific reason or other.

This will be the first vacation where I’m with the wife and kids only. No one else. First time.

And we get to go see Vermont and Maine, which will be nice! Never been north of Pittsburgh, personally. On the East coast, at least. I grew up in Oregon, so I’ve been from BC to San Diego on the West coast. This should be fun!

But, taking this vacation means I’ll be behind with writing, so no time to bloggy blog until I get caught up. Looking like August or September. I’ll keep y’all posted!

Before I go let me thank each and every one of you for reading this blog, reading my books, and for just being awesome!

Rock on, rocking rockers! See ya in a few weeks!

 

Cheers!

Friday Night Drabble Party!

The Party has returned!

I’m sure everyone noticed there was no Drabble Party last week. 4th of July and all. Shit went boom. Plus there was cornhole. (Note to self: create new erotica genre that Amazon will ban called “Cornhole Boom”.)

But the drabbletasticness of Friday Night Drabble Party is back and better than ever! EVER!

So, sit back with your favorite summer beverage or winter beverage for you folks that live down under. Hell. I’m talking about you people that live in Hell. What? You thought I was talking about New Zealand? Y’all are drinking tea in New Zealand right now. I know that. Because stereotypes make the world go round, yo!

And a billion hamsters at the center of the Earth. They make the world go round too. I wonder what they drink? And since they are in the center, do they have summer or winter? Maybe they live in Hell…

AntiBio is on sale for $.99! Buy it!

What was I talking about?

Right. Drabble.

Enjoy!

***

Little Things
By
Jake Bible

It’s the little things that make up this insane world.

Not the big things like food, air and water. No, we shit on those. They obviously don’t matter.

No, sir, life is made up of little things.

A wise man once said, “Don’t sweat the little things because it’s all little things.”

I think it was Snoopy that said that.

So, as I stand here on this ledge, looking down at the ants below -the little things-  and I can’t but wonder how not to sweat them. Wise words are good and all, but some instructions would be nice too.

***

Cheers!

BUY ANTIBIO! $.99!

Disclaimer: Don’t sweat it, it’s all good.

Views From The Captain’s Chair! Episode Twenty-Seven: Everyone STFU!

Captains ChairBlog

 

Ahoy, Mateys!

Okay, time for everyone to shut the fuck up. Seriously. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

What about?

Amazon V. Hachette.

Or, as I like to call it, “Two giants at war that don’t even care if you exist.”

They don’t. Unless you are a consumer. Then they care.

But as a consumer, you aren’t the one shouting back and forth over a line drawn by corporate behemoths. No, you’re a person going about your life each day, trying to make ends meet, worrying about bills, about groceries, about dust bunnies, about Timmy’s loose tooth, the fence that needs repairing, the car that needs an oil change, the stain on the carpet from that rage induced, homicidal oopsy doodle that happened last night.

As a consumer, you are living your life and not a damn thing has changed for you even though the author community has decided THERE WILL BE BLOOD because Amazon and the Hachette Group are pissing in the wind and seeing who can stand the back spray long enough.

So, dear consumer, engine of this greedocracy, you just keep on keepin’ on. This post isn’t for you.

Nope, it’s for all the writers that think their voices ARE IMPORTANT! Their voices MUST BE HEARD! Their voices MUST DROWN OUT ALL DISSENT! Their voices… Guess what? Your voices don’t mean jack shit. You are nothing in this war. Nothing. Stop kidding yourself that your blog posts, your Facebook posts, your Twitter posts, or any posts, have even one itsy bitsy influence on the outcome of this fight. That’s your self-inflated ego talking there.

These are multi-national, MASSIVE corporations that are at war over…uh…oh, right, they haven’t actually said officially.

That’s right: people are arguing over something that isn’t even defined. The Powers That Be don’t think you are important enough to be informed on what the fight is about. That’s how insignificant you are. You aren’t even worth a press release with bullet points.

Yet, from Patterson to Konrath, King to Howey, Eisler, Wendig, Stackpole, some other guy, that guy, this one here, a woman there, oh, there’s another woman, and that guy right there with his formatted ebook ready to make a million dollars- everyone has an opinion. An uninformed opinion. In a fight they haven’t been invited to.

You think I’m being flippant? I’m not. I’ve watched this happen in other industries.

In my former life I was a broker rep for one of the largest grocery sales and marketing agencies in the country. A billion dollar company. That’s billion with a “B”. Big company. And we worked for companies that were even bigger. Unilever/Best Foods, Kraft, Mars, Johnson & Johnson, Pepsico- you know, BIG companies.

Guess what?

They pulled this crap all the time.

Big companies get in fights with other big companies. Whether it’s a distribution argument or a tiff with a retailer, giant corporations draw lines in the sand every single day and go to war.

But you don’t see the guy on the mayonnaise line writing a blog post about the EVIL OF BIG CONDIMENTS! You don’t see the housewife in yoga pants screaming at the hippie girl that “BANANAS HAVE GONE UP TEN CENTS A POUND AND IT’S YOUR FAULT FOR NOT BELIEVING!” You don’t see the cashier at your local supermarket writing a scathing essay on how the moral compass of America is at stake because Doritos are no longer on sale for two bags for $7, but are now two bags for $8.

Why? Because it doesn’t matter what the little folk like us say. It doesn’t. These Leviathans have an agenda and they are fighting over that and that alone. And as consumers, we know that. We know that we can scream until we are blue in the face, but it ain’t gonna lower the price of them bananas. That’s life, y’all.

Yet, authors insist that by fighting with each other- Stop. Hold on. Let me make this clear.

AUTHORS ARE FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER. NOT A SINGLE AUTHOR IS FIGHTING AGAINST THE MEGAMONEYCONGLOMAHEMOTHS THAT ARE AT THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM.

If there even is a problem. I’m pretty sure there’s an entire political party that would argue that this is how it is supposed to work. This is free market warfare, baby. LET IT ALL BURN!

But no, instead of  banding together and looking these dragons in the eyes, writers have taken sides. Or pretend not to take sides when they really have taken a side. It doesn’t matter, really. No matter what “side” you are on you’re just fleas on two dogs trying to rip each other’s throats out. The same two dogs that will end up humping in the alley when it’s all done because that’s what dogs do. You’re just a flea, you wouldn’t understand. Humping or fighting, it’s all an END OF THE WORLD EARTHQUAKE to you.

I refuse to be a flea. Fuck this stupidity. Just fuck it.

Oh, and you know what else? The bickering here amongst the plebs is nothin’ but free press for the giants. Why put out statements when they have a hundred voices doing it for them?

Yep, free press. You think you are changing anything by writing how much you love licking Amazon asshole? Or how much you prefer walking with your nose up in the air all day because you have a “REAL” publishing deal? You aren’t changing shit, except the news feed on Facebook. You are doing the work for  your corporate overlords. You are their bitch.

Let me say that again: You. Are. Their. Bitch.

So, shut the fuck up. Just shut it. Zip it. Close it. Keep that trap closed, please and thank you.

With that said, I’m done with this crap. I’m done reading anymore blog posts about how I’m supposed to think and feel about something that really has nothing to do with me. I have bills to pay and grass to mow, a spouse to love and frickin’ children to raise. No, what I’m going to do right now is write the second novel in my medieval space fiction (space opera) series.

Because that’s what I do. I write books.

Maybe you, Author With Opinions About Shit All, should get back to that too. Since, you know, what consumers/readers do care about is getting a great story that they can escape into so they forget about the bills, the healthcare, that political party that only loves money, the cost of bananas, those damn yoga pants, and mayonnaise. Channel your energy into your job and stop doing the work of corporate PR firms, okay?

Word.

Oh, and Mega is on sale for $,99 from Severed Press until like midnight tonight or something. Go buy that shit.

 

Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.

He is the author of the bestselling Z-Burbia series for Severed Press as well as the Apex Trilogy (DEAD MECH, The Americans, Metal and Ash), Mega, AntiBio, and the YA zombie novel Little Dead Man, as well as the forthcoming (October) Teen horror novel Intentional Haunting (both by Permuted Press).

Views From The Captain’s Chair! Episode Twenty-Six: Lights! Camera! Action!

Captains ChairBlog

Ahoy, Mateys!

Yes, yes, I know I shouldn’t be writing a blog post when I have so many novels to get done. Stop nagging me! Sheesh!

But, I had to talk about this year’s entry into the Asheville 48 Hour Film Project. Every year our team, Team Long Shot, races through a weekend to get a 4-7 minute film made from writing to finished film in only 48 hours. It’s a freakin’ blast!

We braved the wilds of a local park’s public bathroom and made it through the day without contracting Hepatitis Z or Monkey Flubola. I count that as a win.

It all started with us picking our genre from a hat at the kick-off (we got SciFi) then getting our line of dialogue (“It’s your choice. What are you going to do?”), our prop (a bell), and our character (Cedric Peters, gym instructor). These three elements (line, prop, character) have to be used by all teams. It’s the control test to make sure no one shoots footage ahead of time.

Once we had those elements we bopped on over to my place and proceeded to brainstorm ideas. After acquiring a metric hilariton of good ideas to form a solid story foundation, I began writing the screenplay. From brainstorming to finished script was bout three hours. It’s not an easy process, but Team Long Shot doesn’t have an ego in the bunch, so we work fast and efficiently since we leave the drama at the door.

Saturday morning we met at said local park and got to work. IMG_3229There was a slight rain delay, but it didn’t hold us back. We dove right in to get our shots and work on making sure we had enough footage in the can so when it came time to edit, we weren’t short on cut away shots or montage sequences (MONTAGE!).

This year I had a small part. Mainly because I had a summer cold that thrashed my throat, but also because I knew Craig would rock the part of the gym instructor better than I could. And I wasn’t wrong! His delivery was perfect! (Craig’s in the hot pink shorts. Oh, yeah!) IMG_3215

The shoot took about five hours, then there was some food and beer and it was time to edit.

I can’t say enough about Noble Robinette’s directing, cinematography, and editing skills! The guy stayed up all night synching sound to images. He got it all working right then jumped into putting a rough cut together. Then the magic happened!

IMG_3221 Why is there a picture of a soiled and stained toilet? It’s part of the magic!

After working all day on the editing, we finally had a finished project. The deadline was 7:30 and we got it turned in with 11 minutes to spare. It’s crazy how much time just flies by when you are focused on making the best film you can. Zoom! Freakin’ gone! IMG_3226

Then we waited for the premiere screening at the local brew and view! We think it went well since there were laughs in the right places and we actually overheard some in the audience whisper that they wanted to see it again because they missed lines from laughing so much. That’s high praise right there!

Now, it hasn’t been all roses and caviar, ya know. There has been serious drama this year and we as local filmmakers had to step up and protect our turf. It was a community pride thing and I am glad other teams were willing to fight the good fight. In the end, it all worked out and the Asheville filmmaking scene was returned to the peace and weirdness we have always known.IMG_3231

We have no idea what awards we’ll get, and won’t find out until July 17th at the Best Of screening, but we are hoping for Audience Award in our group. If we get it (fingers crossed) then that makes three years in a row. While judges determine who gets Best Picture and all that jazz, it’s the audience we play to. In the end the people watching the film have to be the ones to enjoy it, not a three person team looking to nitpick every detail. We aim to make the public happy and hopefully we did so this year.

Which brings me to the film itself! Want to watch? Then click the link below. It is 100% safe for work, so feel free to share with your cubicle neighbor. Team Long Shot worked their butts off to make this film and we encourage others to get out there and do the same. If you have a local competition then look into it. It is so worth the lack of sleep. Get out there and make some movies, yo!

Cheers!

Friday Night Drabble Party!

Well, hello there! Back for some more Drabble Party action? Oh, hells to the yes you are!

Not gonna pimp any books or audiobooks tonight. But I will point you to a guest blog post that Starla Huchton wrote for Views From The Captain’s Chair! If you are a writer and want to know a little about some serious internet marketing campaign fu, then have a read. It’s good stuff.

Now, on to the drabble!

Enjoy!

***

All About The Rules
By
Jake Bible

 

“It doesn’t specifically say that I’m disqualified if I kill the other contestants,” Jaime smiled. “Read the rules. Sure, I can be arrested, but you can’t disqualify me.”

“It clearly states that if you break any local, state, or federal laws then you are out,” Morgan said, tapping the clipboard that was always clutched in his hands. “Just because you are the last one left alive, does not mean you automatically win.”

“But I haven’t broken any laws until I’m convicted,” Jaime insisted. “Innocent until proven guilty.”

“He’s right,” Stanford sighed. “Give him the damn trophy. Then call the cops.”

***

Cheers!

Disclaimer: Sometimes it’s more about the spirit of the thing.

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