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Views From The Captain’s Chair! Episode Twenty-Seven: Everyone STFU!

Captains ChairBlog

 

Ahoy, Mateys!

Okay, time for everyone to shut the fuck up. Seriously. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

What about?

Amazon V. Hachette.

Or, as I like to call it, “Two giants at war that don’t even care if you exist.”

They don’t. Unless you are a consumer. Then they care.

But as a consumer, you aren’t the one shouting back and forth over a line drawn by corporate behemoths. No, you’re a person going about your life each day, trying to make ends meet, worrying about bills, about groceries, about dust bunnies, about Timmy’s loose tooth, the fence that needs repairing, the car that needs an oil change, the stain on the carpet from that rage induced, homicidal oopsy doodle that happened last night.

As a consumer, you are living your life and not a damn thing has changed for you even though the author community has decided THERE WILL BE BLOOD because Amazon and the Hachette Group are pissing in the wind and seeing who can stand the back spray long enough.

So, dear consumer, engine of this greedocracy, you just keep on keepin’ on. This post isn’t for you.

Nope, it’s for all the writers that think their voices ARE IMPORTANT! Their voices MUST BE HEARD! Their voices MUST DROWN OUT ALL DISSENT! Their voices… Guess what? Your voices don’t mean jack shit. You are nothing in this war. Nothing. Stop kidding yourself that your blog posts, your Facebook posts, your Twitter posts, or any posts, have even one itsy bitsy influence on the outcome of this fight. That’s your self-inflated ego talking there.

These are multi-national, MASSIVE corporations that are at war over…uh…oh, right, they haven’t actually said officially.

That’s right: people are arguing over something that isn’t even defined. The Powers That Be don’t think you are important enough to be informed on what the fight is about. That’s how insignificant you are. You aren’t even worth a press release with bullet points.

Yet, from Patterson to Konrath, King to Howey, Eisler, Wendig, Stackpole, some other guy, that guy, this one here, a woman there, oh, there’s another woman, and that guy right there with his formatted ebook ready to make a million dollars- everyone has an opinion. An uninformed opinion. In a fight they haven’t been invited to.

You think I’m being flippant? I’m not. I’ve watched this happen in other industries.

In my former life I was a broker rep for one of the largest grocery sales and marketing agencies in the country. A billion dollar company. That’s billion with a “B”. Big company. And we worked for companies that were even bigger. Unilever/Best Foods, Kraft, Mars, Johnson & Johnson, Pepsico- you know, BIG companies.

Guess what?

They pulled this crap all the time.

Big companies get in fights with other big companies. Whether it’s a distribution argument or a tiff with a retailer, giant corporations draw lines in the sand every single day and go to war.

But you don’t see the guy on the mayonnaise line writing a blog post about the EVIL OF BIG CONDIMENTS! You don’t see the housewife in yoga pants screaming at the hippie girl that “BANANAS HAVE GONE UP TEN CENTS A POUND AND IT’S YOUR FAULT FOR NOT BELIEVING!” You don’t see the cashier at your local supermarket writing a scathing essay on how the moral compass of America is at stake because Doritos are no longer on sale for two bags for $7, but are now two bags for $8.

Why? Because it doesn’t matter what the little folk like us say. It doesn’t. These Leviathans have an agenda and they are fighting over that and that alone. And as consumers, we know that. We know that we can scream until we are blue in the face, but it ain’t gonna lower the price of them bananas. That’s life, y’all.

Yet, authors insist that by fighting with each other- Stop. Hold on. Let me make this clear.

AUTHORS ARE FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER. NOT A SINGLE AUTHOR IS FIGHTING AGAINST THE MEGAMONEYCONGLOMAHEMOTHS THAT ARE AT THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM.

If there even is a problem. I’m pretty sure there’s an entire political party that would argue that this is how it is supposed to work. This is free market warfare, baby. LET IT ALL BURN!

But no, instead of  banding together and looking these dragons in the eyes, writers have taken sides. Or pretend not to take sides when they really have taken a side. It doesn’t matter, really. No matter what “side” you are on you’re just fleas on two dogs trying to rip each other’s throats out. The same two dogs that will end up humping in the alley when it’s all done because that’s what dogs do. You’re just a flea, you wouldn’t understand. Humping or fighting, it’s all an END OF THE WORLD EARTHQUAKE to you.

I refuse to be a flea. Fuck this stupidity. Just fuck it.

Oh, and you know what else? The bickering here amongst the plebs is nothin’ but free press for the giants. Why put out statements when they have a hundred voices doing it for them?

Yep, free press. You think you are changing anything by writing how much you love licking Amazon asshole? Or how much you prefer walking with your nose up in the air all day because you have a “REAL” publishing deal? You aren’t changing shit, except the news feed on Facebook. You are doing the work for  your corporate overlords. You are their bitch.

Let me say that again: You. Are. Their. Bitch.

So, shut the fuck up. Just shut it. Zip it. Close it. Keep that trap closed, please and thank you.

With that said, I’m done with this crap. I’m done reading anymore blog posts about how I’m supposed to think and feel about something that really has nothing to do with me. I have bills to pay and grass to mow, a spouse to love and frickin’ children to raise. No, what I’m going to do right now is write the second novel in my medieval space fiction (space opera) series.

Because that’s what I do. I write books.

Maybe you, Author With Opinions About Shit All, should get back to that too. Since, you know, what consumers/readers do care about is getting a great story that they can escape into so they forget about the bills, the healthcare, that political party that only loves money, the cost of bananas, those damn yoga pants, and mayonnaise. Channel your energy into your job and stop doing the work of corporate PR firms, okay?

Word.

Oh, and Mega is on sale for $,99 from Severed Press until like midnight tonight or something. Go buy that shit.

 

Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.

He is the author of the bestselling Z-Burbia series for Severed Press as well as the Apex Trilogy (DEAD MECH, The Americans, Metal and Ash), Mega, AntiBio, and the YA zombie novel Little Dead Man, as well as the forthcoming (October) Teen horror novel Intentional Haunting (both by Permuted Press).

Views From The Captain’s Chair! Episode Twenty-Four: Switching It Up!

Captains ChairBlogAhoy, Mateys!

I know I said I’d be too busy writing novels this summer to post from the Captain’s Chair, but I had a couple of cancellations (i.e. late blog post submissions from lazy ass writers. LAZY FREAKIN’ WRITERS!) and decided to ruminate on a subject that’s been in my head for a bit now.

You see, I’m writing some space opera the next couple of months. I am sure some of you are all like, “Space opera? Jake is going to have lasers and spaceships and aliens and lots of pew-pew action and space blood and space guts!”. Which is a nice thought, but that’s not where this novel is going. It may get there in the next book in the series, but this one isn’t my usual action and blood novel.

I like to call it medieval space fiction. You know, like medieval historical fiction, but in space? Or, better yet, Game of Thrones in space! But maybe not so brutal. And no magic, because space. Yeah, that.

Will there be action? You betcha! Romance? Oh, for sure! Blood? Of course! But it’s not horror and it’s not a thriller. There will be more story and character. And no lasers. Nope. No lasers. This is low tech space, y’all.

With that said, I wonder what my fan base is going to think. Those looking for my brand of action/gore may be doing a little head scratching. I could lose a couple readers. I could also gain some new readers that dig space opera for the intrigue and plot and all that good stuff, but don’t like the heavy gore or action of my other novels.

It’s going to be an interesting trade-off. Time will tell.

I have to say that I really like switching it up. Letting the story unfold and characters breathe without having to horribly mutilate one in each chapter is nice. Again, there will be blood, just not the level of blood in my horror and action novels.

The other part I’m digging is playing with tropes. Space opera, as many have defined it, is essentially fantasy in space. I’ve never really written fantasy. I’ll also be honest and say I don’t read fantasy. At least, not high fantasy. I watch it, but don’t read it. And this may come as a shocker- I don’t really read space opera. Which may be a good thing, in a way, because I don’t have any preconceptions of what I’m supposed to be doing. I get to wing it as usual! Huzzah!

Where does this all leave me? And how does it relate to you as either reader or writer? Where does it leave the folks that read this blog?

Well, it leaves me still writing a novel a month, but with a fresh perspective. I timed this perfectly so I’m kind of taking a gore/horror/action vacation, but still writing books.

As readers, it leaves you with something new to look forward to; a little different style and genre to mix up that Jake Bible goodness.

And as writers, it shows y’all that you don’t have to stay in one genre, one style, one way of writing. You get to switch it up when you want to. Don’t worry about what comes after, just write a great story and let the readers/fans sort it out.

Speaking of sorting it out, I have a bit of medieval space fiction to get back to and make all shiny and new. Or gritty and old. It depends on where this story takes me. We’ll see.

Cheers!

 

Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.

He is the author of the bestselling Z-Burbia series for Severed Press as well as the Apex Trilogy (DEAD MECH, The Americans, Metal and Ash), Bethany and the Zombie Jesus, Stark- An Illustrated Novella, and the forthcoming YA zombie novel Little Dead Man, and Teen horror novel Intentional Haunting (both by Permuted Press).

 

Friday Night Drabble Party!

Hello, again, hello!

Welcome back to the Party!

For those that don’t know, Friday Night Drabble Party is my weekly gift to my readers and fans. Every Friday I give you, yes YOU, a free 100 word story. Seriously, no charge. You just have to read my ramblings before the story. And you love my ramblings, right? RIGHT?

Speaking of ramblings! Have you heard the news? Kaiju Winter is available now by Severed Press! Huzzah to big giant monsters!

Kaiju_Winter_ebook_coverThe Yellowstone super volcano has begun to erupt, sending North America into chaos and the rest of the world into panic. People are dangerous and desperate to escape the oncoming mega-eruption, knowing it will plunge the continent, and the world, into a perpetual ashen winter. But no matter how ready humanity is, nothing can prepare them for what comes out of the ash: Kaiju!

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, you know you want a piece of that! Go get ya some, yo! NOW! DO IT!

Or, maybe, just maybe, you’d rather read tonight’s drabble? How about you do both? The drabble will be right here when you get back from purchasing Kaiju Winter. Take your time.

WINKY FACE!

Enjoy!

***

Better Driver
By
Jake Bible

“Get to the right!” Sims shouted, his hands pressed against the dashboard as the Dodge Charger screamed down the highway. “The right! Right, right, right!”

“Shut the fuck up!” McMillan yelled. “First day in the US! Gonna take some gettin’ used to this drivin’ on the wrong side of the bloody road thing!”

“It’s not the wrong side here!” Sims shouted, his knuckles white as his fingertips nearly ripped the dash apart. “Why’d you say you’d drive?”

“Because I’m the better driver!” McMillan replied, spitting blood. “Even gut shot!”

Sims didn’t argue, McMillan was the better driver, even gut shot.

***

Cheers!

Disclaimer: BUY KAIJU WINTER!

New Release!

Kaiju_Winter_ebook_coverThat’s right, folks! Kaiju Winter is here!

What is Kaiju Winter? It’s the first novel in my The End Of The World As We Know It (TEOTWAWKI) giant monster series! That’s right, GIANT MONSTERS! Oh, and a super volcano ready to rip North America apart. And psycho militias! And crazy stalkers! Convicted murderers! US Marshals! Navy SEALs! Scientists! Delta Force! AND GIANT MONSTERS!

Here, read the description:

The Yellowstone super volcano has begun to erupt, sending North America into chaos and the rest of the world into panic. People are dangerous and desperate to escape the oncoming mega-eruption, knowing it will plunge the continent, and the world, into a perpetual ashen winter. But no matter how ready humanity is, nothing can prepare them for what comes out of the ash: Kaiju!

Now, you can’t tell me that description doesn’t make you tingly and warm in your tingly and warm places. Cause if you told me that you’d be lyin’! LYIN’!

Here, just to show the level of awesome this book has, I’ll insert another pic of the cover. But this time it will be GIANT! JUST LIKE THE MONSTERS!

CHEERS!

Kaiju_Winter_ebook_cover

Views From The Captain’s Chair! Episode Twenty-One: CON!!!

Captains ChairBlog

Ahoy, Mateys!

Short post today due to deadlines, deadlines, deadlines!

Which segues right into my reminder of last week’s post. I’m looking for guest writers! If you have an idea for a blog post on writing then let me know! You can read the original call to words here.

This week’s post, however, is about something I’m still new to: cons.

Just for full disclosure, I wanted the title of this post to be COOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!!! You know, like a play on Wrath of Khan? Except I quickly realized it looked I was just yelling coon. Probably not the best way to make friends. Why did I share that? So you don’t make the same mistake one day. I’m just looking out for you. The more you know.

But, on to the subject!

Cons. Con is short for convention, if you were not aware. There are a billion of them out there put together on subjects from comic books to steampunk, pop culture to zombie culture. Scifi, horror, romance, adventure, what have you. If there is a fan base then there is a con for it.

Which is pretty cool.

I’ve only attended six cons, four of them local. I’m about to be an invited guest this coming weekend at ConCarolinas. Very cool. Especially since the Guest of Honor is none other than George RR Martin.  There are still Friday and Sunday tickets left, so go get some and come see me.

Why do I do cons? To meet fans, make new fans, make new friends, see old friends, and also to network. As a writer, that is the key right there: networking.

My first con, Horror Realm in Pittsburgh, is where I met a ton of my fellow horror authors I now call friends. It’s also how I got the idea to write Little Dead Man. Which ended up getting me my first agent and is now a Permuted Platinum title ready to be let loose on the shelves of Barnes & Noble and other bookstores come July 15th!

Word.

Without having gone to that con I would never have been directed towards the idea of writing a YA zombie novel. That would have meant I wouldn’t have been signed with Permuted Press and wouldn’t have been contracted to write my Middle Grade scif/horror series, ScareScapes. Or been given the chance to write my new space opera series based on the great English kings Edward I, II, and III (and the Black Prince!). One con got me all of that. After a few years of hard work, of course.

So what will this next con bring me in terms of my career? I don’t know.

What I do know is it will bring me expenses: gas, food, hotel, cost of books to sell at my author table (which wasn’t free, although it was very, very reasonable). Sure, I get to write it all off at the end of the year on taxes, but that money still comes out of my pocket up front. I’d probably do a lot more cons if it wasn’t for the cost.

And that’s the balancing act: what it is worth to my career versus what it does to my bank account.

I’d say, so far, cons have been way worth it, but I read horror stories out there of authors attending cons and the aisles were dead. Or just filled with costumed attendees that aren’t looking to buy anything and really just want to win the cosplay contest. What will ConCarolinas be like? Will I network or will I flounder and lose my shirt? Again, I don’t know.

But I’ll make sure and document the experience for you (pics!) and let y’all know how I thought it went. I’ll get to hang with some awesome folks, take part on some cool panels, maybe sells some books and make some new fans. Who knows? Sky’s the limit!

So be on the lookout for my post-con report! And also be sure to follow me on Facebook and Twitter so you can get the “live” reporting.

Word.

Cheers!

Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.

He is the author of the bestselling Z-Burbia series for Severed Press as well as the Apex Trilogy (DEAD MECH, The Americans, Metal and Ash), Bethany and the Zombie Jesus, Stark- An Illustrated Novella, and the forthcoming YA zombie novel Little Dead Man (available July 15th!), and Teen horror novel Intentional Haunting (both by Permuted Press).

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