Guest Post by Jason Beymer: How To Bathe Your Zombie
Hey Folks! I have a great guest post today by author Jason Beymer. Be sure and check him out and his book, Nether, which is available today!
Jason’s book Nether is available from Lyrical Press.
One suburban night. One stubborn corpse. One golden opportunity.
Burklin had it all: a spacious two-story house, a shapeshifting wife, a wide open future. That is, until his father ripped out his soul and trapped it inside an opinionated dachshund. Now he’s lost everything, leaving him a slave on mop-up duty for a homicidal teenage demon. His father is sleeping with his ex, the possessed dachshund won’t stop talking, and the cleanup jobs keep getting messier. Burklin would give anything to have his life back–even if it means turning against his manipulative father and destroying their chance of winning the Nether’s Demon Lord Sweepstakes.
Opportunity knocks with a dead woman’s hand. When the demon’s latest victim won’t stay dead, the rules of life and death change. Freedom lies within Burklin’s reach, but to get it he’ll have to defy his father, the ex-wife he still loves, and the Nether itself.
Just how far is he willing to go?
How to Bathe Your Zombie
By Jason Beymer
This public service announcement is brought to you by ZomClene.
In death, as in life, good hygiene is a must. Whether pursuing a career, interacting socially, or engaging in ritualistic mating, a pungent scent will spoil a first impression. Unfortunately, our dead brethren lack the wisdom to work a bar of soap and a spigot. Responsibility falls to the breathing. But there are risks to bathing your loved ones. To protect yourself, adhere to our patented Seven-Step ZomClene Process:
1) Mouthguard — Dental protection saves lives. Purchase a ZomGard from any major pharmacy. Remove from box and shake briskly to begin the coloring process. ZomGards change from lime-green, to ocean-blue, to red and so on. Wait until your zombie is hypnotized and begins mumbling happily. At this point, wedge ZomGard into its mouth until all teeth are covered. Remember to choose your mouthguard carefully. While most manufacturers flavor theirs with mint, we produce our ZomGards with 73% cow brains. This makes them so delicious, you’ll never have to worry about your zombie spitting them out prematurely. Taste tests prove our brand ten-times more preferable than Toothalicious, Yum Yum Brain, or the generic Zombie Mouthguard. And ours come fluoridated for the whitest possible smile.
2) Add Water — Fill the tub. Your zombie won’t notice the temperature when submerged, so it is your responsibility to make sure the water does not scald. Scalding may result in damaged flesh and domestic abuse charges from local authorities.
3) Add Soap — Grab an eight-ounce bottle of ZomClene (*now with prettier bubbles!), and empty it into the water. Once your zombie notices the swirling colors it will try to leap into the tub. Undress it first.
4) Add Distractions — Toss in plenty of toys to distract your zombie. Recommended bath toys include Rubber Human, Intestine Putty and our exciting line of ZomPlay action figures.
5) Begin Bath – Gently apply ZomClene to all orifices. Use our ZomBeauty sponge and ZomWash stick to reach difficult areas. Allow zombie to soak for ten minutes.
6) Remove Water — Drain the water around your zombie. If you encounter a clog, add six ounces of ZomPurge to the drain.
7) Distract and Dry — Studies show that zombies become angry as the “pretty water” disappears. Be prepared to counter their aggression with ZomDry Flashy Towels (at least three). Our patented technology causes them to change colors when wet.
With ZomClene your loved one can be a productive member of society. Stop chaining Uncle Bob in the shed, risking domestic abuse charges and visits from Zombie Social Services. Just bathe Uncle Bob daily, keep plenty of ZomGards handy, and move him into the guest room.
ZomProducts. We’re blurring the line between life and death, removing prejudice one bath at a time. That’s the ZomWay!
Bio: Jason Beymer is the author of Rogue’s Curse and Nether. A permanent fixture at his local coffeehouse, he hunches over his laptop in a caffeine-induced frenzy, jowls slick with muse. Jason injects comedy into the urban and traditional fantasy genres like a squeeze of lemon into ice water: tart, yet refreshing. When not pounding on his keyboard, Jason worships at the feet of Ray Bradbury, and engages in an unhealthy obsession with Grace Park and Tricia Helfer.