Jake Bible Fiction

  • Views From The Captain’s Chair! Episode Two: You Will Learn Discipline, Maggot!

    Captains ChairBlog

    Ahoy, Mateys!

    Welcome to Episode Two of Views From The Captain’s Chair! Today is gonna be about some hard truths so hang on tight, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride! Or bumpy voyage, since we’re going with the “nautical” theme in this series. Oh, and speaking of nautical, go buy Mega! (Nailed it!)

    Last week we talked about perspective and why you shouldn’t ignore the advice of experienced writers when they tell you you won’t “get it ” as a writer until you have at least 4-5 years of experience under your belt. Haven’t read that? Go do it. DO IT NOW, MAGGOT!

    What? I can pull off the Drill Instructor thing. Yes, I can. I can too! SHUT UP, MAGGOT! …see?

    Do you have perspective now? Excellent, since today we will talk about the road you have to travel to get that perspective. Because unless you are actually writing for 4-5 years you won’t get that perspective. And when I mean writing I mean actually writing. Not talking about writing, not saying you’ll get to it one day, not writing an hour on the weekend when it’s convenient. Not reading blogs about writing (although that’s the sure way to success, am I right?), but actually planting your ass-cushion in your chair cushion and going all typey-typey on that bitch. Whatever that bitch may be: novel, screenplay, comic book script, short story, cookbook, whatevs, yo! (I promise not to say whatevs again. Sorry.)

    Before everyone gets their boxers/briefs/panties/leathers in a wad, I want to define a writer. A writer is anyone that writes. There. Done. Even if you only write for an hour on Saturday because that’s the only time you have then you are a writer. But this post isn’t for you. It’s for those that want to be professional writers. The ones that want to make money at it. The ones that want to do it full time and make a (meager) living like I do. That’s who I’m talking to. Everyone else can listen, but I don’t want to get into a debate about what “defines” a writer and all that ego blah blah blah. If you write, you’re a writer.

    But, because there are bills to pay, you can’t just hang up a shingle and say “Writer lives here. Pay me”. That doesn’t happen.  You have to actually write shit. And write shit people want to read. And write shit that publishers want to publish, or if you self-publish, an editor is willing to go over without throwing up. You have to do those things. And how do you get to that point? Discipline.

    Yep, I am now going to put my Mr. Miyagi headband on and grab my chopsticks, ’cause we got some flies to catch, yo! (I said I wouldn’t say whatevs again, but I didn’t say I wouldn’t say yo again, yo. Oh, I guess I said whatevs again also. And again! Dammit! Oh, well. This Doctor lies!)

    Discipline…

    I’m not going to define it. I’m just going to explain the discipline I employed to get where I am. Ready? Get a pad and paper or maybe a micro-recorder or, if you have a secretary/Jello wrestling slave handy, you can have he/she take shorthand notes for you. Got all that? Yes? Good. Here is what I did to get to being a full time writer:

    I fucking wrote. I wrote when I had time. I wrote when I didn’t have time. I pissed people off because I said I had writing to do instead of going out/cleaning the house/mowing the lawn/doing my day job/using the toilet. I wrote. And if anyone argued with me about it I said, “Only way I’m going to make it as a professional writer is to act like one and write”. Then I’d stick out my tongue and fling monkey poo at them. [Note to self: stock up on monkey poo.]

    Bam!

    It’s not much of a secret, and it’s been said by thousands of other authors (but not with my charm) and it’s the truth. You want to be a professional writer and make a living at it? Then you fucking write! You write, you write, you write! And you write when -wait for it- you DON’T WANT TO! You think I want to be here sitting in my captain’s chair and writing this? Well, yeah, I do, but that’s not the point! The point is I am sitting here writing! Not making up excuses not to write.

    Everyone has their process, I get that, but no writer has a process that doesn’t include the physical act of writing. And if one of you smart asses says “dictation software” I’ll taint punch you across the country to Cleveland (if you live in Cleveland then you’re safe). I don’t write a novel a month (yep, I do that) by watching Netflix all day. I only watch Netflix when I eat lunch. That’s discipline right there! I have the house to myself for about 6-8 hours a day, five days a week. I could totally be all Tom Cruiseing it in my tighty whiteys to Bob Segar for most of the day. But I sit my ass-cushion in my captain’s chair cushion and I write. [For the record I am a boxers guys. Be still your hearts, ladies. And gentlemen. I believe in Jake-lust equality.]

    And because I do that I get better. I get better.

    I get better because I force myself to write even when I don’t want to. And you know what? Once I get going, it ends up I do want to. And I should hope so or I’m in the wrong profession.

    So think about this for a few minutes. Let it set in. Listen whilst I hum Girl From Ipanema. Daaaa de-da de dada de-da de, daaaa de-da de dada de da-de, daaa de-da de-dada de-da-de do do. Ready? Cool.

    You have to write. Discipline as a writer means you sit down and you write. You ignore the Facebook/Twitter/Tumbsplotch/PownTube. You write. And keep writing until your head goes all assplodey. Boom! Then you can have your distractions (I call mine bourbon). That’s just the reality of the discipline of a writer. You don’t have the luxury of a boss looking over your shoulder or an office snitch like Loretta (Screw you, Loretta!) spying on you. You have to police yourself and put yourself in time out when you misbehave. And you know what you do when you are in time out? You write!

    Let me BAM again! Uh…BAM!

    So, if you have read Episode One: The Phantom French Tickler…no, wait, sorry, I…

    So if you have read Episode One: Do Your Time! and now Episode Two: You Will Learn Discipline, Maggot!, then you have two basic building blocks to becoming a full time writer. Good on you! What’s that? You don’t want to write full time? Then take my advice and just dial it back a notch. Up to you. Either way, the advice still stands.

    Or at least I think so!

    So stop reading this malarkey and get thee to your typowritoratus, MAGGOT!

    (I only call you maggot because it’s tough love and I care.)

    Cheers!

    Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

    Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

    A professional writer since 2009, Jake has a proven record of innovation, invention and creativity. Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.

  • Views From The Captain’s Chair! Episode One: Do Your Time!

    Captains ChairBlog

    Ahoy, Mateys!

    Welcome to Episode One of… Views From The Captain’s Chair! (That greeting should echo in your head like The Muppets’ Pigs In Space! Or am I the only one that hears that?)

    In 2014 I have decided that some blogginess was needed. You know, because there isn’t enough blogginess out there. And certainly not enough blogginess about writing! Fo sho.

    Views From The Captain’s Chair will be a weekly blog dedicated to my views on being a writer in today’s suped-up, jetpackless 21st century. I’m not an expert, by any stretch of the imagination, but I am a professional writer working full time and have been professionally writing since 2009. That means I know enough to be dangerous, but not enough to be deadly. So sit back, relax (or freak out, it’s your life) and get ready for some words of wisdom as only a man that writes in a captain’s chair can give!

    Episode One: Do Your Time!

    Notice above how I mentioned I’ve been writing professionally since 2009? Yes, of course you noticed that. You’re not a moron. Right? Right… Anyhoodly-doo, that date is important to today’s post. Why? Because it means I have been writing professionally for about 5 years now. That’s key to what I will try to impart to you. So listen carefully.

    You don’t know shit as a writer until you have put in about 4-5 years of professional experience.

    That statement is going to rub some of you the wrong way. Against the grain. Opposite of the right way. Make you pull your hair, gnash your teeth, pee a little in your skinny jeans. That’s cool because I did the exact same thing when I was starting out (except for the skinny jeans thing. Ain’t no way you’ll squeeze my ass into skinny jeans. Not happening). I hated it when experienced writers said that it would take me 4-5 years to really get the hang of things. What the hell did they know? I was awesome! YOU CAN’T STOP AWESOME!

    Yet…

    Awesome aside, I was a rookie. A noob. A new fish. I thought I could buck the system. Beat the house. Another metaphor to fill space. I was wrong. You see, the idea that a writer needs about 4-5 years of experience before they “get it” doesn’t come from the industry. It isn’t from Big Publishing. It’s not The Man trying to keep The Writer down. Those words of wisdom come from -wait for it- OTHER WRITERS!

    Yes, folks, other writers. It isn’t some conspiracy to keep new writers under the thumb of publishers. It’s actual advice from colleagues and peers that have come before and already made all the mistakes you are about to make.

    Damn, sometimes I wish I had listened.

    But, nope, not me. I WAS AWESOME! So I plowed forward and made all the mistakes I was told I’d make. I rushed into things. Tried to force my first novel (Dead Mech) out there into the market by signing with the first publisher that came along and tickled my prostrate. Sure, it felt great, but it was over in a blink. And I didn’t even get dinner for my trouble. My bad. Big time.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I have done everything exactly as I have. I’m a fatalist that way. All events in my life have added up to this exact point. I’m writing full time and (so far) making a goo of it. [See the typo there? I said goo instead of go! But I left it in! When you have 4-5 years of writing experience you learn that’s comic gold! GOLD!] My mistakes have made me who I am. I embrace those mistakes like the bastard children they are.

    But, what if…?

    What if I’d listened to more experienced writers that gave me free advice with nothing but the good intentions they were meant to be? You know, instead of screaming in their faces, “I AM AWESOME!”. Well, for starters, I would have polished my manuscript. Worked out the kinks and flaws. Then submitted the manuscript to a few publishers. And waited. Like the rest of writing humanity. I could have been picked up by a publishing house that knew what it was doing. I could have learned from that experience. I could have launched my career with a nuclear KAPOW instead of a pew-pew. May have happened, may not have happened.

    But what did happen is I signed with the first publisher that smiled at me and said I was pretty. It wasn’t a bad experience. The publisher was very small press and very nice. But it could have been a disaster. I could have totally been taken advantage of and lost rights to my work. I dodged a bullet. I was lucky.

    Some of you reading this are wondering, “Wait, you sent off your first novel? Aren’t they supposed to suck?”. Sure, they can suck. Most do. Mine probably did. But, I’d battle tested it by podcasting the novel for free. I had the Internet on my side! THE INTERNET DOESN’T LIE! I have actually gone back and read some of that prose. It’s rookie prose, but I actually like it as a reader. So, yes, my first novel was ready. Just not ready ready.

    Here’s the thing, Mateys, if you get one thing out of this post it’s this: listen to those that have the experience. If they are willing to take the time out of their schedule to help you then you better damn well take that help and use it to the best of your ability. Whether you think you are ready or not, which you may be, you still don’t have 4-5 years of writing experience. You don’t have perspective.

    That perspective is what matters. It allows me to understand so much more about my writing, about the business of writing, about other writers, about quite a few things that are now getting thrown at me. If I didn’t have that perspective I’d be screwed. I wouldn’t know what is a good deal and what is a bad deal. I wouldn’t know what novel to tackle and what to set aside for a while. I wouldn’t know jack shit. Simple as that.

    So, to sum up: Do Your Time! Don’t rush anything because there is a faction of the writing population that says you don’t need to have experience, you can just puke out whatever, publish it yourself, and you are a writer! Which is partially true- as long as you are writing, you are a writer. But you’ll be a writer that lacks perspective. It’s the whole blind men and the elephant parable thingy. You’ll only know the trunk or the leg or the fat testes. You won’t know the whole animal. Which means you are one squeaky cartoon mouse away from getting your ass trampled to death.

    I don’t want that to happen. I want you to live! I want you to succeed! I want you to buy me bourbon when we meet at the next con bar. Make it a double, Mateys, because the Captain is thirsty!

    Cheers.

    Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

    Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

    A professional writer since 2009, Jake has a proven record of innovation, invention and creativity. Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.