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    Captains ChairBlogAhoy, Mateys!

    So, a Facebook friend of mine, who is a game designer, posted about how he wondered if game developers wished they hadn’t created the $.99 app monster years ago. He talked about how someone puts in hours and hours of hard work, but can’t get into the market unless they sell their work/art on the cheap.

    I quickly commented it was the same for novels too.

    Someone else quickly commented on how the $.99 model works because of volume.

    It’s time to destroy the “volume” myth and all the other stupid selling myths and shoot those pieces of crap arguments out into space.

    Discounting is a marketing tool, not a business model.

    Say that with me, “Discounting is a marketing tool, not a business model.”

    I want that to run through your head every time you think you have an argument against what I’m about to write, okay? Okay.

    Oh, and I have another saying, “Live by the discount, die by the discount.”

    Before I became a writer I was in sales and marketing. I spent nearly a decade dealing with margins and markups, discount percentages and BOGOs, promotions and tricks of the trade. I learned a lot about commerce in that time.

    What I also learned is that if your business model is based on slim margin pricing and discount wars with your competition then eventually you will lose and go out of business. I watched store after store after store in the Southeast, especially South Florida, decide to play the discount war game. None of those stores exist anymore.

    Who does exist? The large retailers. The ones with deep pockets that could wait out the discount wars and keep prices where they wanted. They survived.

    It’s the same with pricing novels. The $.99 business model for self-published novels is killing the business for everyone. Knock it off. Just stop doing it.

    Why? Because if everyone is pricing their novels at $.99 then the consumer no longer sees $.99 as something special. No one is gaining volume sales from that price point because the market itself is glutted with a volume of cheap novels.

    One of my publishers, Severed Press, only uses the $.99 price as a promotional tool and only for a couple of days each quarter. My novels are regularly priced at $2.99 for the first in a series and $4.99 for the rest. I am consistently on bestseller lists.

    And the only time one of my novels was offered for free was to launch the reboot of Dead Mech which had been in the market as a self-published title for a few years. It gained some new readers, but now stays at $2.99 with the sequels at $4.99.

    This works. And you know what? It’s the same business model that has been used for mass market paperbacks for decades.

    Oh, I can hear you sputtering objections left and right. Knock it off. When you offer your work for cheap then you cheapen your work. Why does my stuff sell at $2.99 and $4.99? Because it appears to be higher quality by being offered at a higher price. My work isn’t in the discount bin.

    “But volume! Volume! VOLUME!”. Shut the fuck up. Volume is a lie.

    When I was a sales manager, my boss had a saying, “Would you rather have slow dimes or fast nickels?” The entire industry loved that saying and bought into it.

    Yet, there was one major flaw. It only offered two choices. You could pick “slow dimes” or “fast nickels”.

    What about fast dimes? Or, better yet, fast dollars?

    In the post about apps being $.99, the commenter went on to say that you make up in volume what you lose in price. That’s crap. Why? Because that’s assuming the product sells at volume!

    Wal-Mart is the world’s largest retailer and sells more volume than any other entity on the planet. Do you think every single product that gets put on the shelf and discounted sells a ton of volume? No. Not even close. That’s why Wal-Mart is constantly shifting its inventory and clearing out the slow movers.

    Guess what? Your novel, despite being priced at $.99, could easily be a slow mover. And you will have lost money as you played the discount game.

    Still not convinced? Well, maybe the leader in ebooks will convince you. Amazon gives only 35% of royalties to authors if their books are priced below $2.99 or over $9.99. Priced at $2.99 to $9.99? 70% royalties. Amazon knows that selling books below $2.99 cheapens the product and they discourage it.

    But folks ignore the people that pretty much invented the ebook marketplace and still play the discount game.

    It makes no sense. None at all.

    Oh, I hear another argument coming. It’s the “But so many authors have had huge successes selling at $.99!”

    Not true.

    “But look at blah blah blah and blah blah!”

    Really? Count on your hands how many writers you know of that have made their fortunes selling novels for $.99. Come on, do it. Do it. Dooooooo iiiiiit. How many did you count? Three? Five? Ten? Out of how many total writers sell their books for $.99? Do the math, please, before you try to convince anyone, especially yourself, that the $.99 model works.

    The ones that have made it work? They are an exception to the rule. The majority of $.99 books do not sell. Just like the majority of books don’t sell. Please never use outliers as an argument for success. They are an ideal, not an example.

    The plain truth is no one in the publishing industry knows why one book sells and another doesn’t. So why limit your income chances by going cheap? It just doesn’t make sense.

    Now, do I expect this post to change anyone’s mind? Probably not. There is a cult of publishing out there that refuses to listen to reason or look at history. Why? Your guess is as good as mine.

    But, maybe, just maybe, we can get some authors that have some common sense to just stop the madness and price their novels in the non-cheap range. Low cost is good ($2.99-$4.99), but discounted at $.99 forever is not.

    One last thing, that “free” model? It’s a lie. You see a bump, gain maybe half a percent more readers, but in the end the majority of your “sales” are to people that troll the free lists and never buy a damn thing. Why would they? They can read free crap the rest of their lives.

    Please take a hard look at how and why you price your novels the way you do. This is a business and the entire health of a business is based on revenue. You want that health to start strong, not weak, right?

    I know I do.

     

    Cheers!

    Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

    Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

    Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.

    He is the author of the bestselling Z-Burbia series for Severed Press as well as the Apex Trilogy (DEAD MECH, The Americans, Metal and Ash), Bethany and the Zombie Jesus, Stark- An Illustrated Novella, and the forthcoming YA zombie novel Little Dead Man, and Teen horror novel Intentional Haunting (both by Permuted Press).

  • Captains ChairBlog

     

    Ahoy, Mateys!

    Today, we’re going to talk about reviews. And the reviewers that leave them!

    Reviews used to be something that authors waited for with trepidation and anxiety. The New York Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Los Angeles Times, Village Voice, etc. Getting a book review meant something. It was a badge of honor, or badge of shame. Once those reviews started coming out, whether good or bad, it meant you had made it as an author.

    Today? Not so much.

    Sure, reviews in major newspapers, periodicals, magazines, and prominent websites are great, but do they have the influence they once did? Not as much as Amazon reviews do. That 1 to 5 star review system that readers can leave on Amazon is really what can make or break a book these days.

    Right or wrong, that’s life, kid.

    There are other retailers I could talk about, but today I’m specifically going to focus on Amazon because it is the 500 pound metaphor in the room. Other retail websites have influence, but not nearly as much as Amazon.

    Here we go.

    First, let me say that  book reviews on Amazon are not actually book reviews in any sense of the word. They are customer satisfaction surveys. And there is a massive difference.

    What’s that difference?

    A book review is when an actual reviewer -someone that reviews books maybe not for a living, but as an intentional, thought out activity- reads a book, digests said book, then writes his/her opinion on what he/she just read.

    A customer satisfaction survey is when someone purchases something then decides they want to tell people if they liked it or not and maybe leave some reasons why.

    Splitting hairs? Hardly. One is active while the other is reactive. Book reviewers go into it with the active intention of reading a book in order to write a review about it. Whereas, customers leave their reviews as a reaction to what they just read. Two different intentions and models.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of actual reviews on Amazon. Lots of folks buy and read books for the sole purpose of leaving a review. I applaud them. It’s hard work reading a buttload of books and then dissecting and writing about them. I don’t want to do it. [Side note: I don’t review anything. Ever. Not my gig.]

    But, and let’s face it, the vast majority of reviews on Amazon are the equivalent of water cooler talk. Before everyone with an internet connection could spew their thoughts across the world, people used to just talk to each other. It went something like this:

    “Hey, Ralph, did you read the latest Snooty McPooterson novel? Great stuff!”

    “I can’t really stand Snooty McPooterson, George. I’m more a Letchy Von Dooemstein reader. That guy knows how to write about guns and dames!”

    “Right you are, Ralphy old pal! Hey, want another scotch?”

    “Is it ten yet?”

    “It is somewhere!”

    “Hahahahahahahahahaha… My wife is having an affair…”

    Okay, yes I just watched Mad Men last night. Shut up.

    So George talks about Snooty McPooterson to folks he knows, who then tell others, who tell others, and so on. People hear about a book and talk to others about it. That’s how word of mouth works and it has been the tried and true form of disseminating opinions for all of mankind’s history.

    The Amazon review system takes that way of human interaction and tosses it out the window.

    A reviewer leaves their opinion on Amazon and it sits there. No context. In my example above, Ralph’s wife is cheating on him! You think his mind was really on the substance of the last book he read? Probably not. And George would know that. He’d also know that Ralph likes to dress up in Shirley Temple outfits and talk to his Great Dane at length about Communist Russia ruining the potential of the American labor movement.

    In other words, George knows to take what Ralph says with a grain of salt.

    But in this day and age we are trained to believe what we see/read/hear on the internet as truth. That’s how we are wired. It’s the new “Well, I saw it on TV so it must be true!”. Yet it isn’t at all.

    I’m going to give you two examples from my books. The first is a review of Dead Team Alpha:

    1.0 out of 5 stars

    Drivel, April 3, 2014
    By NEO (Arlington Heights, IL) – See all my reviews
    Verified Purchase(What’s this?)
    This review is from: Dead Team Alpha: A Post Apocalyptic Thriller (Kindle Edition)
    What a vile, childish piece of crap. If this is what the zombie apocalypse looks like, I’ll just get it over with and join the undead.

    Ouch, right? That thing sat there for a couple of weeks and pretty much stagnated sales. Did the review bug me? Not at all. I could give two shits about reviews of my books. Every one has an asshole and everyone’s asshole smells like opinion.

    What did bug me is the fact that the reviewer, when you look at his old reviewer profile, says of himself “I’m getting older by the minute and am labeled by many as a curmudgeon.” 

    Nice of him to be honest, but you see where the problem is? People in his life would know that about him and know to ignore the “get off my lawn!” attitude. But, unless you click on his profile and read his bio, you as a consumer wouldn’t know that at all and would put way too much stock into this guy’s opinion when normally you might not.

    Next review is one for my novel AntiBio:

    5.0 out of 5 stars Would recommend this for people who are into zombies., April 21, 2014
    By Sylvia Pelayo – See all my reviews
    Verified Purchase(What’s this?)
    This review is from: AntiBio: A Post Apocalyptic Thriller (Kindle Edition)
    If you’re in a zombie apocalypse read or post it’s very good read. Good story line and entertaining!! Very action-packed!!

    You’d think I’d be stoked about a five star review, right? Except that AntiBio doesn’t have zombies in it and isn’t a zombie novel. So, uh….huh. What the hell do I do with this one? AntiBio is my return to straight up scifi. No zombies. I repeat, no zombies. Great rating, but did she actually read the novel? It is a Verified Purchase, so at least I know she bought it. Thank you, Sylvia! Yet, well…not a clue how to handle this.

    These are two examples of the insanity of reviews on Amazon. And why do they matter? Because people take exactly one second to make a snap judgment based on what they see on the internet. To many quick glancers, Dead Team Alpha is now “Drivel” because some curmudgeon wants it off his lawn. To others, AntiBio is another zombie novel by me, which it isn’t. Not at all.

    Yikes!

    There’s the cray cray of Amazon reviews in two examples. And, for the record, I’m glad anyone takes the time to review my novels. I’m very glad they have taken the time to purchase a novel and read it! But…

    What to do about it?

    The Internet has spoken and said that it is unethical and wrong for authors to ask for reviews of their novels. I call bullshit on that.

    I SAY AUTHORS SHOULD ASK FOR REVIEWS FROM EVERYONE THEY KNOW AND COMMUNICATE WITH!

    That sentence was in all caps because I was shouting from the rooftops.

    But, seriously, since it’s all bullshit anyway then why shouldn’t authors try to get as many reviews as possible from readers, fans, friends, and family? Load those stars onto that shit, yo!

    Some say it dilutes the truth of reviews. But I say there is no truth anyway! Let the wild rumpus begin!

    Authors, you need to ask everyone you know to leave a review. Your spouse, your children, your boss, your old babysitter, senile Aunt Matilda that shouts into her TV remote because she has thought it was the telephone since 1987.

    The whole system is borked to Hell as it is. Jump into that borking. Get as many reviews as you can from people you know and trust!

    Is it unethical to do that? Hells no! What would be unethical is to ask said friends, family, fans, readers, Aunt Matildas, to give only good reviews. Don’t sway their opinions. Just ask for them. Maybe Aunt Matilda really, really, really digs zombies and leaves a five star review while your mom leaves a one star review because she thinks the bad guy is based on her. And she doesn’t like your potty mouth.

    But as long as the review system is basically identical to how a customer rates the cheese sticks at TGIFriday’s, then I say all bets are off, folks! It’s the new game and if you are a writer then you are playing it already whether you want to or not. So get your head in the game, playa, and start playa-ing!

    Oh, and if you want to leave a review for any of my books, just click this link here! Please be honest, but don’t be afraid to get all cray cray. It’s how the system works, so why not, right?

    Cheers!

    Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

    Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

    Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.

    He is the author of the bestselling Z-Burbia series for Severed Press as well as the Apex Trilogy (DEAD MECH, The Americans, Metal and Ash), Bethany and the Zombie Jesus, Stark- An Illustrated Novella, and the forthcoming YA zombie novel Little Dead Man, and Teen horror novel Intentional Haunting (both by Permuted Press).

  • I am very pleased to announce a couple of new releases!

    First, allow me to introduce you to AntiBio. This novel is my return to military scifi. Now, a lot of my novels have military themes, elements, badass Teams ready to rip some bad guys apart, but this is the first one that isn’t a horror novel, but a straight up, high-tech, dystopian, post-apocalyptic, military  science fiction novel.

    Phew. That’s quite a mouthful.

    If you liked my Apex Trilogy then you will love AntiBio! And here’s why:

    Anti1 Antibiotics.
    They have failed.
    All that’s left are the Strains- bacteria so strong they have brought the world to its knees.
    But humanity has fought on, carving out pockets of civilization in a wasteland known as the Sicklands, creating the super high-tech Clean Nation cities.
    And from the cities GenSOF has been born- Genetic Special Forces Operations. An elite military branch of the government that enlists men and women with specific genetic anomalies that allow them to be hosts to bacteria that even the Strains cannot defeat. Under the watchful eye of Control, GenSOF protects the Clean Nation cities from the ever encroaching Strains and the diseased inhabitants of the Sicklands.
    But now Control has other plans for GenSOF, and possibly the Clean Nation cities themselves, and it is up to the operators of GenSOF Zebra Squad, and their cloned Canine Units known as bug hounds, to find out what those plans are.
    Or die trying.

    How ya like them apples? AntiBio is a crazy mix of Blade Runner and Damnation Alley. You’re gonna dig it!

    The next new release is the audiobook for Z-Burbia 2: Parkway To Hell! It is currently available on Audible.com, but will also be on Amazon and iTunes shortly. Stay tuned for those announcements!

    Oh, what’s that? You want to know what’s coming next from me? Okey doke!

    May: Mega 2 (Severed Press) and Little Dead Man (Permuted Press)

    June: Kaiju Winter (Severed Press)

    July: The Apex Trilogy audiobooks

    And so much more! I’ll announce the rest of 2014 as soon as my schedule is nailed down.

    So go and spread the word about AntiBio and Z-Burbia 2: Parkway To Hell!

    Cheers!

  • Captains ChairBlog

    Ahoy, Mateys!

    For today’s post I want to talk about how writing is not a community endeavor. Which you already guessed since that’s the title of the post. So let’s move on, shall we?

    I am part of many Facebook writing groups. Some are public, some are private. Most duplicate each other because they are populated by insecure, needy, know-it-all, egotistical, depressed individuals. Writers.

    On one of these groups there was a “discussion” about reviews and whether or not a writer should listen when a reviewer, or reviewers, mention a part of the writer’s style they do not like. My take is to always, always, always, always, ignore reviews. Did I mention the always? Yeah, always ignore reviews. Why? Because they are written by reviewers, not writers. These are readers that have opinions, not professionals with actual experience or insight. Also, reviewers are people. And people are flawed. Just because someone read your book and then posted a review about it, doesn’t mean they are smarter than you or their opinion actually holds weight.

    Hell, they could have written it while doing meth off Bigfoot’s three foot dong, for all you know.

    Ignore reviews and move along.

    I stated this on the group and one individual decided that I was wrong, that you should listen to reviewers because if they all start commenting on the same flaw then you should change how you write to please them. They are the readers and you write for the readers.

    Bullshit.

    This person also started talking about critique groups and agents and editors and publishers and blah blah blah. That, as a writer, you should listen to them.

    Bullshit.

    I responded that writing is not, nor ever has been or ever will be, a community endeavor. That person did not enjoy that statement. They proceeded to write paragraph after paragraph about how I was wrong.

    Bullshit.

    Let me explain why, in very simple terms, this person is, and shall forever be, wrong: Because only you write the novel.

    Are there others involved like agents and editors and publishers? Yes. But they don’t write your novels.

    Are there readers and reviewers out there that want and expect novels to be a certain way? Yes. But they don’t write your novels.

    Only you are the author, the writer, the creator. It is fair to say that there are plenty of professionals willing to offer you advice, but it is never fair to say that writing a novel is anything but a solitary experience. Unless you write with a partner, then it’s a dual experience. Whatever, you get the picture.

    Your agent and editor and publisher can all say they want you to change Chapter Five. But you don’t have to do that. If Chapter Five is perfect the way you want then you can leave it. It’s your novel. Or, if their advice holds water, then make the decision to change Chapter Five.

    Either way, it’s up to you and you alone.

    This isn’t a hippie, dippy food co-op where everyone has to hug it out and have good vibes, man. This isn’t the PTO wanting everyone’s kid to feel special so let’s have a bake sale where there’s no gluten, peanuts, fats, sugar, corn, air, fun. This isn’t an HOA where you need a quorum for Bob Jones to be able to put up a fence that is one eighth shorter than the mandatory fence height.

    This is none of that. You are a writer and the final decision is up to you. Always.

    Now, I’m not talking quality here. Maybe the committee is right and Chapter Five needs to be jettisoned out of the airlock into deep space. Could be. Doesn’t matter. Still your choice.

    Writing is not, nor will it ever be, a community endeavor.

    You may not be all alone, but you are the writer and in the end it is your novel and you control what you keep, what you toss, what you like, what you don’t, and what the reader gets in the end. If you approach it from any other angle then find a new profession. You aren’t meant to be a writer.

    Sound harsh? Sure. But it really isn’t. Why? Because if your novel bombs, even after taking everyone’s advice into account, guess who gets the blame?  Your agent? Nope. Your editor? Nope. Your critique club? Nope. The fans and readers? Nope.

    If you take the advice and your novel fails you will be the one that is blamed.

    So if the blame isn’t spread to the community then why should any of the creative process be?

    Take what advice you want to or not, but always as a conscious decision based on your instincts and feelings. Never because someone told you to.

    Because you are the writer and it’s your damn novel! Always.

    Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

    Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

    Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.

    He is the author of the bestselling Z-Burbia series for Severed Press as well as the Apex Trilogy (DEAD MECH, The Americans, Metal and Ash), Bethany and the Zombie Jesus, Stark- An Illustrated Novella, and the forthcoming YA zombie novel Little Dead Man, and Teen horror novel Intentional Haunting (both by Permuted Press).

     

  • Captains ChairBlog

    Ahoy, Mateys!

    As you can see by the title of this post I am not a big fan of rules. They hold you back, keep you down, and get in the way of FREEDOM!

    But, before we begin, let me disclaimer a bit. I’m not talking about rules such as basic human decency or paying your taxes. Don’t break those. Don’t.

    Nope, the rules I am talking about are those that constrain writers because someone, somewhere, got an insect inserted rectally and wanted to make things pissy and difficult for others.

    I was going to bullet point this shit, but I think I’d rather ramble. It might trigger your brain so you can come up with a rule or two that you’d like to consume a Luis Vuitton’s worth of penises.

    My first one is the notion that authors shouldn’t shamelessly promote themselves.  Can I point out that the first word is “shamelessly”? As in, without shame? Like authors are above “business” and if they even hint at the fact that they are slaves to the almighty machines of commerce then they should feel shame.

    That rule can eat a dick!

    I think every author out there should be able to promote their work sans shame. Stand up and be heard! From rooftops, from soapboxes, from street corners where I first met your mom (mom joke FTW!), from Facebook, Twitter, Tumbler, Goodreads, what the hell ever! It’s your career as a writer and you are building a business. I have never once heard someone say, “Oh, you have a business? Yeah, market and promote that less.” Doesn’t happen. Of course, there is a right way and wrong way to do it. Gauge the response, know your audience, and pick the correct venue. Pull back before you hit consumer burnout. That’s Marketing 101. But, whatever you do,  don’t feel bad that you want to promote your work. Get out there and shill, shill, shill, because no one else will do it for you.

    I also hate the rule that says authors need to be marketing machines because the publishers won’t do it for you. Oh, what? Am I contradicting myself? Not really. There is a notion in today’s publishing world that writers have to be self-promoters as well as, well, writers. I call BS on that. If the publisher is worth their shit in salt then they should be more concerned with their writers actually writing and not standing on the corner dressed in a Statue of Liberty outfit while dancing to Miley Cyrus playing in their oversized headphones. We ain’t selling foot long subs or close out mattresses. We are writing books. That is the job we are paid to do.

    But, too many writers get all wound up that they aren’t promoting, promoting, promoting, enough. I see post after post after post by authors looking for help on how they can better promote their work. The anxiety level gets insane. I can smell the flop sweat through my dual monitors. So many writers spend all their time thinking about how to promote their writing instead of, wait for it…writing!

    Screw that. Just write, man, just write. The best marketing advice I have ever heard is to just write your next book. A solid body of work is what promotes your writing the best. I’m lucky enough to have a publisher like Severed Press that gets that. I asked, “What blogs should I be emailing? What interviews should I be trying to get? What reviewers should I go a courting?” Their response? “Don’t worry about that. Just keep writing.”

    That’s good shit right there.

    Another rule I that can eat a dick is the “show, don’t tell” rule. This is the biggest rule myth out there. Because it’s bullshit. It has also created a glut of “gotcha!” readers, reviewers, writers. For example, Soandso grew up reading <insert bestselling author>, but now Soandso is a writer and has learned that you are “supposed” to show and not tell. Soandso picks up <insert bestselling author>’s latest novel and WHAT IS THIS? THIS BESTSELLING AUTHOR SHOWED ME SOMETHING! THEY CAN’T ACTUALLY WRITE! THEY DON’T KNOW THE RUUUUUUUUULLLLLLE!

    Poop farts to that.

    Why? Because if that rule were true then authors like Stephen King, Michael Crichton, Henry Miller, Cormac McCarthy, and a ton more wouldn’t even be noticed. Jesus, Stephen King alone shows all the time with his style where he basically inserts himself into his prose as a weird  narrator. And Michael Crichton? Try “showing” all that sciency stuff. Not gonna happen. Stupid rule. If the prose is sound then the author can show whatever the fuck they want. Could be a total info dump, but if it is an interesting, well written info dump then who freakin’ cares?

    Plus, and this will blow your mind, the rule wasn’t created to apply to prose writing! Sure, there have been variations on the idea for generations, but it really didn’t come into popularity until it was coined to be used in reference to -ready for this?- screenwriting! It is a Hollywood maxim, folks, not a literary one. And in the context of a screenplay, which will have to be produced into a visual medium, then it works.

    Otherwise? Screw it. Write what feels right for the story.

    Passive voice? Should I go after that one? Maybe. Because passive voice is annoying. It is. But then it isn’t. How can it be annoying and then not annoying? Style, my friends.

    If the passive voice sounds natural, fits the style of the prose, and is part of the voice of the writing then no one will notice. Unless they are looking for it. But why look for it? Just go with the flow. Reverse what I just said and you know why passive voice doesn’t work. Simple rule that can be broken at will.

    No prologues? Eat. A. Dick.

    I like prologues. I have never read a book where I was all, “WHAT? A PROLOGUE? I CAN NEVER GET THOSE TEN MINUTES IT TOOK ME TO READ IT BACK!” Prologues, and epilogues, have a place in stories where they have a place. Argue all you want, prologue haters, but I am currently reading a novel that has a prologue. Guess what? It worked. Why? Because to call the prologue Chapter One would have been stupid. It isn’t Chapter One. It’s the fucking prologue.

    So, to sum up: eat a dick, prologue haters.

    Oh, and the rule about friends and family not writing reviews? More dick eatage with that one.

    Sure, don’t tell them to write it or what to write. That’s stupid. But the idea that a friend of mine or a family member that has actually read one of my novels and wants to review it is somehow unethical? Have I mentioned the eating of dicks? Yeah, do that. I will take any honest review from any source. My mother-in-law has every right to post a review of one of my novels if she likes it. She is a reader and I trust her opinion.

    Let’s face it, folks, there are way less sincere reviews coming from total strangers that are just uber-fans. You know the ones I’m talking about. If their favorite author writes a novel about a pile of poo that just sits there, they’d still give it five stars. And don’t get me started with the one-star trolls!

    Saying that friends and family can’t write reviews just doesn’t make sense.

    Oh, and that rule about first person narrative being “lazy” writing! Eat my first person dick! Oh, and the side rule that you can’t switch perspectives in the same novel. I have read plenty of novels that go from first person to third person seamlessly.

    What other rules are there? TONS!

    But I won’t get into those. I have listed the ones above that drive me nuts. There are plenty more, trust me.

    The point is that for some reason there are a ton of people that insist on creating rules because they personally don’t like something. Fuck them. Who put them in charge of making the rules? I promote how I need to, write what I want to, and let it all sort itself out in the end. If my career tanks then I will have to step back and see where it went wrong.

    And lastly, and this is the point I want you to walk away with, most of the people making these rules are writers. Yep. Writers. And writers are known for their sanity, stability, positive life choices, clean living, selflessness, lack of ego, etc, etc. Right? Yeah, right…

    Think on that the next time one of those rules that has been drilled into you decides to rear its ugly head and bring your writing to a halt. Just because it is said over and over and over doesn’t mean it’s right. Or even a rule. It could be just an alcoholic with his panties in a wad because he wanted FIFTEEN YEAR SCOTCH, YOU FUCKERS, NOT TEN YEAR SCOTCH!

    Rules: they can eat a bag of dicks.

    Cheers!

    Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

    Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

    Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.

    He is the author of the bestselling Z-Burbia series for Severed Press as well as the Apex Trilogy (DEAD MECH, The Americans, Metal and Ash), Bethany and the Zombie Jesus, Stark- An Illustrated Novella, and the forthcoming YA zombie novel Little Dead Man, and Teen horror novel Intentional Haunting (both by Permuted Press).