Jake Bible Fiction

  • Friday Night Drabble Party!

    Hey there! Have you heard the good news? There’s a Drabble Party going on!

    And not just that, but there also be books and shit!

    There’s the Mega audiobook! The Mega 2: Baja Blood novel! And Z-Burbia is on sale for only a couple more hours at $.99! Click a pic below and get you some goodness!

    Mega_audiobookMega2_ebook_coverZburbia_ebook_cover

     

     

     

     

     

    Now on to the drabble!

    Enjoy!

    ***

    DripBANG!

    By

    Jake Bible

     

    Each drip of blood sounded like cannon shot as it hit the granite floor. DripBANG! DripBANG! DripBANG!

    But Lola wasn’t paying attention to the blood; there was so much of it that she’d forgotten it was even there. She let the sword clatter to the floor –clangclackspluch– and limped her way to the old stairs.

    So many steps. Lola could barely hold her head up, let alone find the strength to climb stairs.

    When they found her halfway up, it was said she looked like a sleeping babe, newly birthed and covered in mother’s blood.

    But it wasn’t mother’s blood…

    ***

    Cheers!

    Disclaimer: Watch that first step! It’s a doozy!

  • Views From The Captain’s Chair! Episode Nineteen: Crying Foul

    Captains ChairBlogAhoy, Mateys!

    This week’s post is a bit blue. That means there will be naughty words. You have been warned.

    Fuck.

    Fuckety fuck fuck.

    Fuck fuck fucker fuck.

    Yep. There be fucks in these here waters.

    If you read the reviews of my novels you will quickly notice a pattern. I’m not talking about the obvious adoration of my prose and wit. No, no, I’m talking about those folks that have taken offense to my use of cursing.

    While it is fucking true that I do fucking curse a whole fuckton, it should be said that every complaint against the cursing is flat out misplaced. I’m not saying people don’t have the right to be offended. I would never say that. I’m just saying that maybe, just maybe, if you don’t like the word fuck then perhaps reading post-apocalyptic horror may not be a good idea.

    Because here’s the thing, folks: people curse in this world a lot right now. What the holy fucking hell do you think is going to fucking happen when the dead walk the mother fucking Earth?

    I write post-apoclayptic horror as well as military scifi and military thriller/adventure novels. Horror and the military. There will be fucks. Lots and lots of fucks. The military alone is known for mouths that would burn a saint’s ears. Add in some hellish nightmare situations and what do you get? Yep. Lots and lots of fucks. That’s life. That’s reality. That’s how people talk.

    Yet, I still get complaints. And I don’t understand it.

    Just the other day I was with my family, just driving along down the road like we do. Pretty sure we said fuck at least a dozen times per mile. Not to mention cock, shit, pussy, cunt licker, whore bag, douche nozzle, tits, and asshole. I can guarantee that I am forgetting some choice words.

    And that was just my family. On a normal day. In the car. Is it any wonder my characters are so profane? Write what you know, and all that jazz.

    My novels are filled with dialogue. My characters talk. Rarely is there a scene where the characters aren’t bantering back and forth about something. And if there is banter, then there is cursing. That’s how it works. Despite my name, I don’t write Christian fiction. I am not looking to elevate the art of language. I’m looking to reflect how people speak in real life then turn it up to eleven as the danger, stress, terror, fear, violence, and mayhem gets turned up to eleven as well.

    For the record, I don’t do it lightly. Every fuck is carefully placed. I wrote Dead Mech as a drabble novel. That means every single section had to be exactly 100 words. When I used the word fuck I made damn well sure it fit the scene. The dialogue had to have that perfect cadence or the words would be wasted. And when you only have 100 words per section you sure as shit don’t have room for waste.

    Of course, my YA, Teen, and Middle Grade novels don’t have the f-bomb in them. I kind of wish they did, but that’s the market. I will say that I invented a euphemism for my Middle Grade horror: fruit. It’s the catchall curse word. Noun, verb, adjective, adverb. It does it all. There is a story reason the characters all use that word, but you’ll have to fruiting wait to read the books to find out why.

    I’m not the only author out there known for a potty mouth, but I am one of the few that embraces my language and has zero intention of taking any of the criticism to heart. I will not change how my characters talk. If the character in real life would say fuck every third word then the fucking character in the fucking book sure as fuck is going to fucking say fuck every third fucking word. To do it differently would be dishonest.

    And I may be a foul mouthed wordsmith, but I’m an honest one.

    Not going to beat a fucking dead horse over this, just wanted all you fucking wonderful people out there to know that excessive cursing is not the problem, it’s the use of the word “excessive” that’s the problem.

    Because, and say it with me, you can never have enough fucks!

    Cheers!

    Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

    Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

    Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.

    He is the author of the bestselling Z-Burbia series for Severed Press as well as the Apex Trilogy (DEAD MECH, The Americans, Metal and Ash), Bethany and the Zombie Jesus, Stark- An Illustrated Novella, and the forthcoming YA zombie novel Little Dead Man, and Teen horror novel Intentional Haunting (both by Permuted Press).

  • New Releases!

    Well, it looks like we got some giant sharks on our hands, people!

    I am happy to announce the release of my latest novel, Mega 2: Baja Blood!

    Mega2_ebook_cover

    Team Grendel is back and this time they have double the monster sharks and double the trouble as a drug cartel and the Mexican Navy are both ready to blow the Beowulf III out of the water!

    When a top secret, undercover mission goes wrong for one of the company’s operatives, Ballantine must call on Team Grendel and the crew of the Beowulf III to take down a drug lord and stop Southern California from being overrun by a new substance more addictive and deadly than any drug on the planet.

    But things are never that simple as Team Grendel find they are under siege by cloned Megalodon sharks that developed a taste for the new substance, sending the monsters on a drug fueled rampage of bloody violence along the Baja Mexico coastline!
    Blood is in the water and the feeding frenzy is on!

     

     

    What’s that? You haven’t read the first one? Well, you better get on it! Oh, you don’t have time to read right now, you say? Well, I’m sure you have time to listen!

    Mega is now available as an audiobook from you favorite audiobook retailer!

    Mega_audiobookMega: A Deep Sea Thriller!

    There is something in the deep. Something large. Something hungry. Something prehistoric.

    And Team Grendel must find it, fight it, and kill it.

    Kinsey Thorne, the first female US Navy SEAL candidate has hit rock bottom. Having washed out of the Navy, she turned to every drink and drug she could get her hands on. Until her father and cousins, all ex-Navy SEALS themselves, offer her a way back into the life: as part of a private, elite combat Team being put together to find and hunt down an impossible monster in the Indian Ocean. Kinsey has a second chance, but can she live through it?

     

     

     

     

     

    Lots of bloody shark action for your eyeholes and earholes! Enjoy!

     

  • Friday Night Drabble Party!

    Hey, there! You came back! I knew you wanted to Party with some free Drabble fiction!

    Normally I’m pimping a book or two before I let loose the drabbley goodness. But not tonight!

    Nope, tonight I’m pimping an AUDIOBOOK!

    There’s a difference. Shut up.

    I give you the MEGA audiobook!

    Mega_audiobook

    Mega: A Deep Sea Thriller!

    There is something in the deep. Something large. Something hungry. Something prehistoric.

    And Team Grendel must find it, fight it, and kill it.

    Kinsey Thorne, the first female US Navy SEAL candidate has hit rock bottom. Having washed out of the Navy, she turned to every drink and drug she could get her hands on. Until her father and cousins, all ex-Navy SEALS themselves, offer her a way back into the life: as part of a private, elite combat Team being put together to find and hunt down an impossible monster in the Indian Ocean. Kinsey has a second chance, but can she live through it?

    And there you have it! Can ya dig it? I knew that ya could. Click that cover!

    On with the drabble!

    Enjoy!

    ***

    Me And Boxes

    By

    Jake Bible

    “What’s in the box?”

    “Don’t start, Willie.”

    “Just want to know what’s in the box, Al. That’s all. Not tryin’ to take it from ya or nuthin’.”

    “I know that, Willie. But I’d rather not tell you what’s in the box. It’s none of your concern. Step away and we’ll be good.”

    “Cain’t do that, Al. You got a box and I want to know what’s in it. You know me and boxes.”

    Before Al can respond, Willie slams his fist in the man’s face and takes the box. He opens it and instantly begins to cry.

    “Warned you, Willie.”

    ***

    Cheers!

    Disclaimer: You never know, do you?

  • Views From The Captain’s Chair! Episode Eighteen: The Cult Of Argument


    Captains ChairBlog    Ahoy, Mateys!

    This is going to be a short post because I just got back from a trip with the Family and I’m pretty much brain dead. But there is something I want to talk about. And hopefully you will get where I’m coming from.

    The Cult of Argument.

    This is what the Internet (or The Mean, as I call it) has turned into. Everyone feels like they have the right and the DUTY to argue every fucking point anyone even comes close to making. It’s a freaking cult, man. A freaking cult.

    Of course, I want to specifically talk about how writers fit into this cult. So I’ll break it down into the two sub-cults that continually go after each other: The Self-Published and the Traditionally Published.

    Oh, what’s that? You have a problem with those labels? Well, would you like to argue about it?

    See what I did there? I actually have no desire to talk about these camps. I just wanted to raise the ire of some folks to prove a point.

    There are at least a dozen writers reading this all up in arms that I used the term “Self-Published”. There are another dozen up in arms because I said “Traditionally Published”. If you are in either of these dozens then take a breath and keep reading. This post is for you.

    Labels mean nothing. So don’t argue over them.

    Genres mean nothing. So don’t argue over them.

    Word counts mean nothing. So don’t argue over them.

    Writing style means nothing. So don’t argue over it.

    Story structure means nothing. So don’t argue over it.

    Length of time it takes to write a novel means nothing. So don’t argue over it.

    Who publishes you means nothing. So don’t argue over it.

    How many reviews you’ve gotten means nothing. So don’t argue over it.

    What your contract says means nothing. So don’t argue over it.

    Your Amazon Author Rating means nothing. So don’t argue over it.

    You mean nothing. So don’t argue that you do!

    Why do none of these subjects, topics, hot buttons, mean a damn thing? Because all that matters is whether the reader likes what you do.

    That’s it.

    Writers need to stop acting like they know what the fuck they are talking about. They don’t. No more than anyone else. And guess what? No one knows what the fuck they are talking about! Not me, not you, not anyone!

    Blogs are opinions, mine included. Every single article, editorial, column, whatever on Publisher’s Weekly, Huffington Post, io9, Tor.com, wherever, mean absolutely jack diddle. They are just words written by people. And people are seriously flawed.

    Stop using what you’ve read to argue with others that have different opinions, experiences, ideas, tastes, shoe sizes. Just stop.

    So you read something in HuffPo Books? Good for you! That means you are literate. It doesn’t mean you now have fuel for an argument.

    Your RSS catcher sends you every single word particle JA Konrath shoots into the aether? Excellent! Now you know how one single writer thinks and feels about his career.

    What’s that? You read that the novel is dead? Okay. Should we send flowers?

    If anyone knew what makes a writer more successful than another, or what makes one book more popular than that book over there, then publishers would hit home runs every single time. They don’t. Despite centuries at this game, publishers still have no idea what works. Neither do writers.

    So stop arguing that they do; that you do; that anyone does.

    Just have a nice discussion. Quit the hyperbole, stop the rhetoric. [Side note: I’m so making a t-shirt out of that.]

    Don’t ever say you have the answers and don’t ever say that someone else’s answer is wrong. Disagree, sure, if you must, but be nice.

    And don’t you fucking dare do that passive aggressive, reverse bully thing. You know what I’m talking about. You know who you are. I have a list of three writers I will not shake hands with if I see them in public because of that tactic. They spout BS in post after post, people disagree respectfully, then they act like they’ve been attacked and their words were twisted around. Completely ignoring the actual physical record of them sounding like douchebags only one scroll up.

    Blech.

    I digress.

    Which is my point. Things go from thoughts to emotions, from ideas to arguments in a split second. Then everyone forgets the idea and focuses on the argument. Don’t do that anymore, please.

    The next time you want to argue your point, take a step back and ask yourself, “What do I get out of this?” If your answer is, “I will bring about world peace”, or even possibly, “It keeps kittens from being mauled by space monkeys” then post away!

    But, if wanting to argue a point only gives you some smug self-satisfaction, or is only designed to hurt someone else, then please don’t do it. You may have an opinion, but who cares? Everyone has an opinion. Yours is nothing special.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for discourse. Just not argument. Leave that for the lawyers. Be a writer and contribute to the betterment of society. Be there for the reader. That’s your job.

    Okay, phew, I’m done. Post turned out longer than I thought it would. Let the inevitable arguments begin on why.

    Cheers!

     

    Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

    Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

    Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.

    He is the author of the bestselling Z-Burbia series for Severed Press as well as the Apex Trilogy (DEAD MECH, The Americans, Metal and Ash), Bethany and the Zombie Jesus, Stark- An Illustrated Novella, and the forthcoming YA zombie novel Little Dead Man, and Teen horror novel Intentional Haunting (both by Permuted Press).