Jake Bible Fiction

  • Views From The Captain’s Chair! Episode Four: Professionalism!

    Captains ChairBlog

    Ahoy, Mateys!

    Time for some more Views From The Captain’s Chair!

    This week’s post will be short and sweet. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I have been slammed with finishing the manuscript to Z-Burbia 3: Estate Of The Dead. I’m in the final edits and should have that off to my publisher by Friday. Yay!

    Why has that held up getting a blog post in? Because I usually write on Monday morning, edit on Tuesday, then publish on Wednesday. But this week I needed to finish first round edits of Z3 as well as listen to audio and approve that for the audiobook of Z-Burbia. That has eaten into my time.

    But there has also been something that has eaten into my time and that’s this crazy little internet spat going on regarding a blog post by Chuck Wendig. First, let me say I agree with Chuck 100%. Why? Because I read the whole post and actually understood what it meant. I didn’t see it as an attack on anything other than sub-par publishing. It wasn’t an attack on self-publishing, that’s for sure. The beauty of being a writer is I know how to read and understand what I read. Those that got all bent out of shape over his post? Yeah, not so much.

    Yet, this post won’t be about self-publishing/traditional publishing/author-publishing/1,000 chimpanzee publishing (working on that one). Nope, this post is about professionalism.

    Like I said above, this will be short and sweet, mainly because the more words I add in here the more words some folks will try to argue with. So let me spell this out clearly:

    If you write then you are a writer.

    If you make any money from your writing then you are a professional writer, as opposed to being a hobbyist or amateur. But, that doesn’t make you a professional.

    The only thing that makes you professional is holding yourself up to certain standards. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, engineers, architects, etc. These are professions that have minimum standards to ensure quality work done within each profession. The problem with being a writer is it is also an art. Who’s to say what the standard for art is? You can’t. It’s the very nature of art that makes it impossible to set standards. Eye of the beholder and all that jazz.

    Yet, we can have minimum standards for the work itself, if not the artistic merit. For a writer this means: edited and proofread copy, quality book covers, and behavior becoming a professional. Anyone that can’t live up to those simple standards should find a new profession. Those aren’t hard standards, they just takes work. And if you aren’t willing to put in the work then you aren’t going to be considered a professional.

    That’s it. No more details, no metaphors, no bullet points. Act like a professional and you are one. Act like a petulant three-year old that wants it NOW and you’re just an amateur. Argue sales all you want, but money just makes you a professional writer, not an actual professional.

    And there’s a difference. A big one.

    And that’s it, folks. Short and sweet.

    Now, I have to get back to editing Z-Burbia 3: Estate Of The Dead as well as listen to eight hours of audio. And plot out my next novel. Plus, plot out six middle grade novels. That’s called work; work I do because I’m a professional.

    Cheers!

    Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

    Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

    A professional writer since 2009, Jake has a proven record of innovation, invention and creativity. Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.

  • Friday Night Drabble Party!

    And here we are, another Friday, another Drabble, another Party!

    Speaking of parties, how about that new blog of mine? Views From The Captain’s Chair! It’s like the Love Boat meets Crossfire! Uh….no, no, it’s not. But it does have some good writing advice! Check it out!

    Speaking of boats…

    Mega. Get it. Crazy, awesome fun!

    And now to our Drabble!

    Enjoy!

    ***

    Shortening Won’t Do

    By

    Jake Bible

     

    “Time to make the donuts,” Harold said.

     

    He crawled out of bed, put on his slippers then made his way downstairs to the kitchen.

     

    Coffee on.

     

    Flour. Sugar. Milk. Water. Salt. Eggs. Yeast. Lard… Lard?

     

    Crap. No lard.

     

    Harold sighed and went to the pantry. He had to have lard; shortening wouldn’t do.

     

    He turned on the light and bent down, lifting the trap door recessed into the floor.

     

    Down the ladder, search the shelves…there! Lard!

     

    “Please…please let me go,” the voice whispered.

     

    Up the ladder, shut the door, off with the light.

     

    “Time to make the donuts,” Harold said.  

    ***

    Cheers!

    Disclaimer: Mmmmmm, sprinkles….

  • Views From The Captain’s Chair! Episode Three: Genre- The five-lettered four-letter word

    Captains ChairBlog

    Ahoy, Mateys!

    Welcome back aboard the Good Ship Jake! Today’s voyage will take you through a much maligned subject: genre!

    I know, I know, it’s been talked about. There’s the whole Literary Vs. Genre war going on. Which, to me is bullshit. There is no war. Never has been. There have just been egos flailing and screaming and crying and…well, you get the picture.

    Here’s the deal folks: Genre and Literary are the same thing. The only difference is where they are housed in the bookstore. And did you notice I said “bookstore” and not “library”? Yes, because librarians (or media specialists, as they are called today, and rightly so) are the fucking EXPERTS on books! Not bookstores, not colleges, not publishers or editors or professors or even writers. Librarians. And how do they classify books? Fiction and non-fiction.

    It’s that simple. There are fiction books and non-fiction books. And within fiction there is only one distinction: the alphabetical listing of authors’ last names. When you walk into a library you don’t go to the horror section or the WWI  angst section. You go to fiction and look up the author’s name and find that row of shelves. Boom! Books found, books grabbed, books checked-out.

    So simple, right? Sure, if you live your life in a card catalog. Uh, you do know what a card catalog is, right? Never mind. But we don’t live our lives in a world that is classified or defined by listings such as “F Bib”. We live in a messy world of opinions and double opinions and marketing and perception and inception and “Oh, you read that?” bullshit. We live in a world of egos.

    Let me give you an example: My son is on the high school debate team and I was recently a judge at one of the away tournaments. I met some other parents that were judging and we started chatting. They learned I was a writer (I didn’t just blurt it out, I actually dodged the subject for a bit, but that’s for another post) when I said that my wife and I help my son edit his cases. This turned into a conversation about how editing by another person is essential to good writing (which it is). Then the subject changed, we were called to our next debates, and on the day went.

    All peachy keen, right? Not so much. Later, when we got onto the bus to head back to Asheville, one of the parents asked what I write. I replied, “I write genre fiction. Horror, scifi, thrillers, adventure, pretty much whatever comes into my head and I can get a contract for.” Big smile on my face, ready to elaborate or not. The “or not” was quickly apparent as the parent’s face clouded over and she muttered, “oh” then turned around in her seat. WTF?

    It was strange because we’d had some great conversations earlier. Now I was persona non grata because it was revealed I write that “genre” stuff. Now, it isn’t a case of misinterpreting the response. I had a feeling I would get that response by at least one parent because of the way Asheville is. It can be a bit snobby when it comes to literature. After all, Asheville was the birth place of, home of, and inspiration to Thomas Wolfe. Plus, it’s where O. Henry is buried and Carl Sandburg lived. It was also a temporary home to the likes of F. Scott Fitzgerald (Zelda died here), Henry James, and Edith Wharton. Not to mention the area is currently the home to Charles Frazier (Cold Mountain), Sara Gruen (Water For Elephants), Gail Godwin (Father Melancholy’s Daughter), Ron Rash (Serena) as well as many acclaimed poets and essayists. That’s quite a pedigree for a small, southern city.

    So that experience went around and around in my mind until I decided to write this post. Why? Because I want others interested in being genre writers to not worry about the negatives and focus on the positives. Such as the fact that the most successful writers of our day are genre writers.  Stephen King, James Patterson, JK Rowling, Stephanie Meyer, Danielle Steele, Dean Koontz, and many more! Some of you will scoff at that list, but that’s your problem. I would kill to be on that list! [For future reference, I am kidding about the killing. I’d never do that. Plus, I have an alibi.]

    If you are a writer that wants to write the next “Great American Novel” then awesome! Bully for you! But, in this country, you already get validation. This also isn’t a post to validate current genre writers; y’all are already doing it and I applaud you! No, this post is for those writers that struggle with their true feelings and feel guilty for wanting to write stuff that’s not driven by an alcoholic protagonist depressed because he constantly gets a urinary infection after cheating on his wife. [Aside: Yes, that is an actual novel.]

    Don’t get me wrong, I love me some literature that is all intellectualized and whatnot. If the story in your head is about a woman dealing with the struggles of childbirth in rural Indiana while also flashing back to the past and her failed dreams of being a corporate lawyer then go for it! I just lean towards her also being a psychopath that kills off her competition at the local community college.

    And I could probably write a novel that has critics creaming in their corduroys, but that’s not me. I can’t spend years agonizing over my prose and worrying that my use of metaphor will be misunderstood. I write novels filled with explosions, blood, gore, guns, monsters, heroes, villains, zombies,  post-apocalyptic cannibals, and all that jazz! That’s what revs my engine and gets me sitting down in the ol’ captain’s chair!

    And if that’s what you love, what makes you laugh or smile when you read it, makes you hide under the covers or jump into your spouse’s lap, then don’t ignore those feelings. In fact, embrace them and take that energy and put it on the page. Let that passion drive your words, drive your characters, drive your story!

    Be the writer you are supposed to be, not the writer you think you’re supposed to be!

    Don’t worry about what others think; ignore the turned up noses; walk away from the snide remarks, the condescending snorts, the pretentious falderal. If your muse comes equipped with an AK-47 or happens to see dead people then that’s what you should be writing. The worst thing a writer can do is hide from her muse or ignore her gut. You are the writer, it’s your story, it’s your career, and it’s already hard enough without second guessing yourself!

    Don’t believe me? Then find an example you want to live up to. Neil Gaiman, Edgar Alan Poe, Dylan Thomas, Cormac McCarthy, Roald Dahl, Theodore Sturgeon, JG Ballard, Shirley Jackson and many more. I’m not saying you should emulate their lives since many of those writers had less than stellar endings. I am saying that you can aspire to be great and still be yourself.

    Personally, for me, I have no ego when it comes to my writing. I know what I write, I love what I write, and I only give a shit if my fans and readers love what I write. I know not every novel I write will be for everyone, and not every novel will be great, but I write what I’m inspired by and I don’t look back.

    So ignore the stigma that may come with “genre” writing. Give that shit the finger, a long raspberry, and show it some ass cheeks. At the end of the day all that matters is that you had fun writing what you wanted to and your readers had fun reading it. Write what you want and do what I do: don’t look back!

    Cheers!

    Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

    Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

    A professional writer since 2009, Jake has a proven record of innovation, invention and creativity. Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.

  • Views From The Captain’s Chair! Episode Two: You Will Learn Discipline, Maggot!

    Captains ChairBlog

    Ahoy, Mateys!

    Welcome to Episode Two of Views From The Captain’s Chair! Today is gonna be about some hard truths so hang on tight, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride! Or bumpy voyage, since we’re going with the “nautical” theme in this series. Oh, and speaking of nautical, go buy Mega! (Nailed it!)

    Last week we talked about perspective and why you shouldn’t ignore the advice of experienced writers when they tell you you won’t “get it ” as a writer until you have at least 4-5 years of experience under your belt. Haven’t read that? Go do it. DO IT NOW, MAGGOT!

    What? I can pull off the Drill Instructor thing. Yes, I can. I can too! SHUT UP, MAGGOT! …see?

    Do you have perspective now? Excellent, since today we will talk about the road you have to travel to get that perspective. Because unless you are actually writing for 4-5 years you won’t get that perspective. And when I mean writing I mean actually writing. Not talking about writing, not saying you’ll get to it one day, not writing an hour on the weekend when it’s convenient. Not reading blogs about writing (although that’s the sure way to success, am I right?), but actually planting your ass-cushion in your chair cushion and going all typey-typey on that bitch. Whatever that bitch may be: novel, screenplay, comic book script, short story, cookbook, whatevs, yo! (I promise not to say whatevs again. Sorry.)

    Before everyone gets their boxers/briefs/panties/leathers in a wad, I want to define a writer. A writer is anyone that writes. There. Done. Even if you only write for an hour on Saturday because that’s the only time you have then you are a writer. But this post isn’t for you. It’s for those that want to be professional writers. The ones that want to make money at it. The ones that want to do it full time and make a (meager) living like I do. That’s who I’m talking to. Everyone else can listen, but I don’t want to get into a debate about what “defines” a writer and all that ego blah blah blah. If you write, you’re a writer.

    But, because there are bills to pay, you can’t just hang up a shingle and say “Writer lives here. Pay me”. That doesn’t happen.  You have to actually write shit. And write shit people want to read. And write shit that publishers want to publish, or if you self-publish, an editor is willing to go over without throwing up. You have to do those things. And how do you get to that point? Discipline.

    Yep, I am now going to put my Mr. Miyagi headband on and grab my chopsticks, ’cause we got some flies to catch, yo! (I said I wouldn’t say whatevs again, but I didn’t say I wouldn’t say yo again, yo. Oh, I guess I said whatevs again also. And again! Dammit! Oh, well. This Doctor lies!)

    Discipline…

    I’m not going to define it. I’m just going to explain the discipline I employed to get where I am. Ready? Get a pad and paper or maybe a micro-recorder or, if you have a secretary/Jello wrestling slave handy, you can have he/she take shorthand notes for you. Got all that? Yes? Good. Here is what I did to get to being a full time writer:

    I fucking wrote. I wrote when I had time. I wrote when I didn’t have time. I pissed people off because I said I had writing to do instead of going out/cleaning the house/mowing the lawn/doing my day job/using the toilet. I wrote. And if anyone argued with me about it I said, “Only way I’m going to make it as a professional writer is to act like one and write”. Then I’d stick out my tongue and fling monkey poo at them. [Note to self: stock up on monkey poo.]

    Bam!

    It’s not much of a secret, and it’s been said by thousands of other authors (but not with my charm) and it’s the truth. You want to be a professional writer and make a living at it? Then you fucking write! You write, you write, you write! And you write when -wait for it- you DON’T WANT TO! You think I want to be here sitting in my captain’s chair and writing this? Well, yeah, I do, but that’s not the point! The point is I am sitting here writing! Not making up excuses not to write.

    Everyone has their process, I get that, but no writer has a process that doesn’t include the physical act of writing. And if one of you smart asses says “dictation software” I’ll taint punch you across the country to Cleveland (if you live in Cleveland then you’re safe). I don’t write a novel a month (yep, I do that) by watching Netflix all day. I only watch Netflix when I eat lunch. That’s discipline right there! I have the house to myself for about 6-8 hours a day, five days a week. I could totally be all Tom Cruiseing it in my tighty whiteys to Bob Segar for most of the day. But I sit my ass-cushion in my captain’s chair cushion and I write. [For the record I am a boxers guys. Be still your hearts, ladies. And gentlemen. I believe in Jake-lust equality.]

    And because I do that I get better. I get better.

    I get better because I force myself to write even when I don’t want to. And you know what? Once I get going, it ends up I do want to. And I should hope so or I’m in the wrong profession.

    So think about this for a few minutes. Let it set in. Listen whilst I hum Girl From Ipanema. Daaaa de-da de dada de-da de, daaaa de-da de dada de da-de, daaa de-da de-dada de-da-de do do. Ready? Cool.

    You have to write. Discipline as a writer means you sit down and you write. You ignore the Facebook/Twitter/Tumbsplotch/PownTube. You write. And keep writing until your head goes all assplodey. Boom! Then you can have your distractions (I call mine bourbon). That’s just the reality of the discipline of a writer. You don’t have the luxury of a boss looking over your shoulder or an office snitch like Loretta (Screw you, Loretta!) spying on you. You have to police yourself and put yourself in time out when you misbehave. And you know what you do when you are in time out? You write!

    Let me BAM again! Uh…BAM!

    So, if you have read Episode One: The Phantom French Tickler…no, wait, sorry, I…

    So if you have read Episode One: Do Your Time! and now Episode Two: You Will Learn Discipline, Maggot!, then you have two basic building blocks to becoming a full time writer. Good on you! What’s that? You don’t want to write full time? Then take my advice and just dial it back a notch. Up to you. Either way, the advice still stands.

    Or at least I think so!

    So stop reading this malarkey and get thee to your typowritoratus, MAGGOT!

    (I only call you maggot because it’s tough love and I care.)

    Cheers!

    Disclaimer: Views From The Captain’s Chair are just that: views. These are not laws. These are not set in stone. I could be totally wrong. I could be off my rocker (shut up). I could be full of S-H-I-T. I could change my mind next week. All of that is possible. Who knows? But if even just a little of this helps you then I’m happy with that. If it just makes you stop and think then I’ve done my job. Which I really need to get back to. Blogging don’t pay for the bourbon! Oh, and the whole Captain’s Chair thing? Yeah, I write in a captain’s chair. It’s true, Mateys! Got a question? Need some one on one? Shoot me an email, a DM, a PM (no BMs) or comment below.

    Jake Bible lives in Asheville, NC with his wife and two kids.

    A professional writer since 2009, Jake has a proven record of innovation, invention and creativity. Novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of the Drabble Novel, Jake is able to switch between or mash-up genres with ease to create new and exciting storyscapes that have captivated and built an audience of thousands.

  • Friday Night Drabble Party Returns!

    The Party is back, bitches!

    Did you miss it? Have you been jonesing for your 100 word fix? Getting that itchy feeling under your skin? That pressure behind your eyes? That gnawing hunger that even the largest meal won’t satisfy? Yes? Then you got problems, yo. It’s just a drabble.

    Ha! What am I saying? It’s not just a drabble, it’s a Drabble Party!

    But, before we get into the fiction, how’s about I mention a couple things going on?

    First, I have a new writing advice blog series up called Views From The Captain’s Chair! Because I write in a captain’s chair. Which is cool. It’ll be a weekly post where I dispense my views on certain aspects of the writing life. Whether it’s about agents or contracts, genre writing or “literary” writing, writing on spec or taking assignments, I’ll give my two cents and let readers in on how I’ve handled things. Kinda cool.

    Second, I am a novel writing machine. My new sea monster novel, Mega, has been released this month by Severed Press. Next month will be Z-Burbia 3: Estate Of The Dead. March is Dead Team Alpha– a military/zombie post-apocalyptic action/horror thrill ride. April is AntiBio which is a near future, post-antibiotics, apocalyptic nightmare. And May is Mega 2. After that? Oh, there will be plenty, trust me. So make time and room in your life for some serious Jake Bible Fiction!

    Now, on with the show!

    Enjoy!

    ***

    Details

    By

    Jake Bible

     

    “You made coffee?” Desmond said.

     

    Lilly set the two mugs down on the bedside table. “Oh, don’t act so surprised.” She handed him a cup. “Drink. I’ll be right back.”

     

    She headed to the kitchen and waited a minute before going back up.

     

    “How’s the coffee?” she asked as she picked up the second cup and took a large sip, her eyes watching Desmond. “Felling alright?”

     

    “Fine,” he said as Lilly took another drink. “Oh, the cup you handed me was yours. Mine has the chip in the handle. See?”

     

    Lilly swallowed hard, knowing it was her last in life.

    ***

    How was that? Satisfy that craving? Scratch that itch? Well, I hope so. Don’t worry, folks, there will be more next week!

    Cheers!

    Disclaimer: Always make your own coffee.